Whassup with Red Line?

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Yesterday I received a comment from Cody McCloud on the post “Red Line – The Backstory” asking when the novel would be published.

One year after my predicted publication date, it’s hard to believe how the demands of real life outside the fictional world can interfere with the best of intentions. And although it may seem ridiculous to anyone who hasn’t tried writing a novel, characters and their stories do have minds of their own.

Since writing the previous post, I’ve completed two drafts of Red Line and am currently working on the third, and hopefully, the last. The experience has been a strange combination of headlong advancement and sudden screeching halts when the plot line and/or character development arrive at a crossroads.

The first draft included numerous decision points, that once made in combination defined the objectives for the second draft. Upon completion, I thought the story worked well until I submitted it to a small critique group of dedicated writers that meets at my home on a regular basis. Their overall assessment convinced me that I hadn’t yet achieved the true potential for Red Line, and recordings of six meetings provided a road map for the next revision.

I may have learned my lesson about predicting a publication date, and to avoid making that mistake again, suffice it to say that I hope you won’t lose patience with me as I strive to complete a story that does justice to my vision for the series and offers an entertaining read.

A special thank you to Cody McCloud, whose comment has served as a reminder that the story awaits . . .

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The Hero Room

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Other professions may dispute the claim that fighter pilots coined the term “Hero Room,” but they’d be wasting their time.

The standard scenario is that a married fighter pilot (or more specifically, a married ex-fighter pilot) wants to put all of his memorabilia in the living room. To show it off. To hear the oohs and ahs from adoring fans. To bask in that glory forever.

But his wife won’t have it, so he has to make do with a room out of sight of anyone but family. There he displays his squadron plaques and coffee cups, certificates, awards and decorations, favorite photos of those personal heydays, and in my case, a Christmas gift from a fellow ex-fighter pilot and his wife.

It sits on the wall behind my writing desk, so I don’t often notice it. But this morning I did, and on a whim I decided to snap a picture of it for the website in recognition of the description Aviator and Writer.


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My Little Mongol Warrior

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Ah, yes, Mother Nature. She can be sweet and loving one minute, and then suddenly morph into a Wicked Witch. And sometimes, she can be nothing more than whimsical.

A few months ago while exercising at the Hill Country Middle School athletic field near my home, I happened to glance down and find this. Picked it up and almost couldn’t believe how perfectly it matched my mind’s image of a Mongol warrior’s helmet. For a moment I thought about adding some facial features, but abandoned the idea when I realized that this is near perfection, and it didn’t need any help from me.



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My Best-Ever Home Repair Job

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My brother and I have a long-standing tradition of dealing with the “McIntosh Brother’s Pandora’s Box” Syndrome. We believe that Pandora has dedicated her life to making one of us miserable whenever we try to fix or improve something around the house.

So when one of us is contemplating a difficult project that might potentially be troublesome, we call up the other and suggest that he begin something simple that will distract Pandora long enough to complete the laborious project without her interference.

I did that last week, my brother cooperated by trying to replace a screw in a cabinet, and the diversion worked perfectly as documented by this photo of the final result:


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Best Intentions and Speed Bumps

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When making the decision to begin a series of mystery-thrillers about a National Transportation Safety Board aviation accident investigator and his metamorphosis into a private crash detective, I had no clue about how hard writing the second book was going to be.

During the time that some of my fellow writers have completed more than one novel, I’ve been beating my head against the twin brick walls of plot and characterization in a frustrating attempt to give readers what they expect in a series, while at the same time avoiding a formulaic approach.

To be clear, I’m not at all opposed to formulaic stories. Two of my favorite authors have created main characters I’m willing to follow through an endless succession of mysteries involving catching the bad guy. John Sanford’s Lucas Davenport (and the spin-off character Virgil Flowers), and Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch can engage my interest without trying very hard because I’m only looking to be entertained. It’s not about wanting to gain a new outlook on life, religion, the pursuit of happiness, or an altered view of the universe.

These characters are all homicide detectives who, in the course of multiple novels, have individually been in more car chases and shootouts than all the policemen in the USA combined, the vast majority of whom never pull their weapons, much less pull the triggers. I know that’s not realistic, but I don’t care. The last thing I want to read about is the dull, mundane everyday boredom of being a cop. I’m looking for the exciting stuff. So when my buddy Lucas Davenport gets in another firefight, I’m loving it.

Shifting focus now to Nick Phillips’ role in Red Line, I got about halfway through the first draft and realized that his being a pilot had taken a back seat. He needed to travel from his home in Cedar Valley Colorado to Phoenix Arizona, for example, and I put him in a Jeep. Huh? Why not let him fly there?

Okay, that’s easy to do, but most pilots never have a life-threatening emergency in an airplane. And just as I don’t want to read about Harry Bosch doing paperwork for 300 pages, it’s not hard to conclude that my readers aren’t interested in being with Nick during hours of flight in cruise. A common description of flying is, “Hours of boredom interspersed with moments of sheer, stark, raving terror,” which is where I need to put Nick, who then becomes either the most incompetent pilot in the world, the unluckiest, or both.

It may seem incredibly dense of me not to have grasped this truth from the outset, but I finally came to realize that any reader who wants to follow Nick’s adventures in second and subsequent novels won’t hold it against me if I confront him with an unrealistic number of tense situations in airplanes.

Another problem arrived with that conclusion, however. I can’t have Nick chasing after bad guys in airplanes over and over again, especially since he’s not flying a fighter with machine guns mounted in the wings. That would be a lot of fun to write, but . . .

Nick’s character arc in Pilot Error was easy for me to imagine because of the original concept for the series about a disenfranchised sleuth, a term used to describe the typical private investigator. Something happens to terminate the main character’s career as a law enforcement officer, and he continues doing what he does best as a PI.

In Nick’s case, the additional thematic element of family versus career is integrated with his transition from husband and father to homicide investigator (in violation of his official role with the NTSB) and finally to avenger (i.e. vigilante). I’ve always liked that concept, but it didn’t dawn on me until well into the first draft of Red Line how another aspect of the aviation theme would complicate my plans for the series.

The typical PI in fiction operates on the fringes of legality when it comes to handling the chain of evidence. He can’t hand a murder weapon to a homicide detective for use in proving a case against a killer. It takes creativity, better described as framing, to sic the law on the bad guy, or more commonly, direct action. Readers forgive the PI because his actions are justifiable under the principle of doing what it takes to obtain justice for the victims.

My private crash detective has a similar problem. In the absence of official status, he can only gain access to the evidence after the wreckage is released by the NTSB. Once his superlative and tenacious sleuthing skills uncover the truth about what caused the crash, he can’t hand it to the NTSB (which is prohibited from investigating criminal wrongdoing anyway), or the FBI because a legal chain of evidence doesn’t exist. What about direct action? Will readers accept him in a vigilante role?

I’m personally a law-and-order guy. One of my favorite movie scenes is from “And Justice For All,” in which actor Jack Warden plays the part of a judge who rules his courtroom in unusual fashion. At one point, the judge picks up a law book off the bench, announces, “This is law . . .” then pulls a Colt .45 from under his robe and says, “. . . and this is order.” My sentiments exactly.

Readers who have accepted Nick’s actions in Pilot Error will probably give him some leeway when it comes to seeking justice. That said, he can’t be a rendition of Charles Bronson’s Paul Kersey character in “Death Wish” and its sequels.

Layered on top of these issues is the sometimes rebellious tendency of a story to assume a life of its own.

It sounds absurd when authors tell normal people that a character in their novels took over and shifted the plot, but it’s a real phenomenon. In some cases, it opens new doors into tunnels that have light at the end. It can also lead into blind alleys where the story grinds to a halt.

In Red Line, some of my characters refused to accept their assigned roles. I hadn’t even finished the first draft when a compelling urge came over me to show three more characters in point-of-view (for a total of five), which is a major decision that alters many other aspects of the story. Rather than go back to the beginning and revise the earlier chapters to reflect this decision, I elected to complete the first draft and incorporate the changes in the second draft.

When I submitted this revision in six installments to the smaller of two writers’ critique groups in which I participate (known as Little Group, or “El Gee,”) they let me know very quickly that I’d missed capturing the essence of what they believe to be the ultimate potential of my vision for the story.

Although it may sound contradictory to allow the opinions of others to affect my vision, it’s not in the least a question of letting them write the story for me the way they would like to see it. Of all the benefits we find by participating in El Gee, the collaborative brain-storming effort centered on plot and characterization is invaluable because it expands the horizons of the two most important structural elements.

I have six recorded El Gee critique sessions waiting from earlier this year when I had to put aside my daily writing effort temporarily to deal with issues involved with the other half of this website’s description. As you might imagine, airplanes require careful attention to maintenance details, and ignoring them is not an option.

My current strategy is to review the recordings and create a revision plan for the third draft that will incorporate the lessons learned, and the time has come to get started.

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Asiana 214 – A View Into the Cockpit

If the title of this post is black and/or you see the fighter-pilot header, click on the title to view the featured-image header and continue reading. Header image credit: Justin Sullivan via aviationweek.com

On May 27, 1977, a collision between a KLM Royal Dutch Airlines 747 and a Pan American Airways 747 entered the record as the deadliest tragedy in the history of aviation. And to call it an accident, which we commonly do, is a gross misrepresentation of what happened.

The primary cause was a classic case of pilot error in which the KLM Captain ignored the cautions from his First and Second Officers and initiated a takeoff without clearance from the tower at the Tenerife Airport in the Canary Islands. Due to a combination of contributory causes, the Pan Am 747 had not yet cleared the runway and 583 people died.

One of the most significant and long-lasting lessons learned from this horrific mistake ultimately resulted in erosion of the pervasive attitude in the cockpits of commercial airliners that the captain is God’s gift to aviation and no one questions a supreme being of such magnificence. The altered and overriding principle became known as Cockpit (or Crew) Resource Management, or CRM.

Complete investigation into the recent crash of Asiana Flight 214 and publication of the final accident (there’s that word again) report will take many months. Rampant media speculation initially presented so-called experts whose talking heads offered opinions with little or no basis in fact or experience, but the focus quickly narrowed based on clear, unequivocal evidence of human failure.

The crew of Asiana 214 allowed their Boeing 777 to descend well below a normal approach path to Runway 28L at San Francisco International Airport and failed to maintain a safe airspeed. These two factors in combination put the aircraft in a position from which a safe recovery was impossible when too-little, too-late corrective action was taken. The accident was totally preventable if the crew had only done what pilots are supposed to do.

All air carriers have increasingly strict operational procedures governing mandatory crew actions during the approach and landing phase of flight. As the aircraft gets lower to the ground, excessive deviations from what are called “stabilized approach” parameters related to course, glide path, airpseed, and configuration mandate a rejected landing. The investigation will ultimately show that the crew of Asiana 214 failed to correct for multiple divergences from a standard approach to landing.

The big gorilla question in the room, of course, is why. How is it possible that the combined flight experience of multiple crew members ignored the most basic of pilot responsibilities: Don’t fly a perfectly good airplane into violent contact with the ground. And yet they did.

I received the following from a college buddy and roommate in USAF pilot training, who had received it from friends of his. Although it has some specific terminology that will be unfamiliar to non-aviators, the basic premise is crystal clear: The cockpit environment of Asiana 214 was poisoned by a culture of subservience to authority which is the antithesis of CRM. The text begins with short introductory remarks from each of the pilots:

“This is from a very good friend, Ret LTC US Army Aviation (SIP), with 5000 + hrs & a lot of it combat time. He has a number of friends that are military & former military pilots (Army & Air Force) that he keeps in contact with and they all share opinions and stories. This is very interesting and worth reading to the end.”

“Thou shall not be flying Korean Air Lines any time soon, maybe ever!  Doesn’t sound like friendly skies.”

“I too thought about CRM and the Asian culture. The simulator instructor really expresses the problem well, albeit a bit scary. The account from the United Air Lines pilot is also interesting. I still believe the best pilot training is the good old USA military where you really learn how to strap on those airplanes.”

“When I merged with Delta, they were linked with Korean Airlines and they had numerous accidents and incidents. Just wanted you all to see what their cockpit experience levels are. And to support USA pilot training, CRM procedures and good old USAF military training. This from my ––– pilot network.

I cannot imagine 4 pilots watching the air speed deteriorate and no one doing anything.”

And so, with those introductions, here’s the original text with minor editing:

After I retired from UAL as a Standards Captain on the 400, I got a job as a simulator instructor working for Alteon (a Boeing subsidiary) at Asiana. When I first got there, I was shocked and surprised by the lack of basic piloting skills shown by most of the pilots. It is not a normal situation with progression from new hire, to right seat, and finally to left seat taking a decade or two.

One big difference is that ex-military pilots are given super-seniority and progress to the left seat much faster. Compared to the US, they also upgrade fairly rapidly because of the phenomenal growth by all Asian air carriers. By the way, after about six months at Asiana, I was moved over to KAL and found them to be identical. The only difference was the color of the uniforms and airplanes. I worked in Korea for 5 long years and although I found most of the people to be very pleasant, it’s a minefield of a work environment . . . for them and for us expats.

One of the first things I learned was that the pilots kept a website and reported on every training session. I don’t think this was officially sanctioned by the company, but after one or two simulator periods, a database was building on me (and everyone else) that told them exactly how I ran the sessions, what to expect on checks, and what to look out for.

For example; I used to open an aft cargo door at 100 knots to get them to initiate an RTO [rejected takeoff] and I would brief them on it during the briefing. This was on the B-737 NG. Many of the new captains were coming off the B777 or B747 and they were used to the Master Caution System [annunciator lights that alert pilots to malfunctioning systems on the aircraft] being inhibited at 80 kts. Well, for the first few days after I started that, EVERYONE rejected the takeoff. Then, all of a sudden they all “got it” and continued the takeoff (in accordance with their manuals). The word had gotten out. I figured it was an overall plus for the training program.

We expat instructors were forced upon them after the number of fatal accidents (most of the them totally avoidable) over a decade began to be noticed by the outside world. They were basically given an ultimatum by the FAA, Transport Canada, and the EU to totally rebuild and rethink their training program or face being banned from the skies all over the world.

They hired Boeing and Airbus to staff the training centers. KAL has one center and Asiana has another. When I was there (2003-2008) we had about 60 expats conducting training KAL and about 40 at Asiana. Most instructors were from the USA, Canada, Australia, or New Zealand with a few stuffed in from Europe and Asia. Boeing also operated training centers in Singapore and China so they did hire some instructors from there.

This solution has only been partially successful but still faces ingrained resistance from the Koreans. I lost track of the number of highly qualified instructors I worked with who were fired because they tried to enforce normal standards of performance. By normal standards, I would include being able to master basic tasks like successfully shooting a visual approach with 10 knot crosswind and the weather CAVU [clear and visibility unlimited). I am not kidding when I tell you that requiring them to shoot a visual approach struck fear in their hearts . . . with good reason. Like this SFO Asiana crew, it didn’t compute that you needed to be a 1000’ AGL at 3 miles and your sink rate should be 600-800 ft/min. [These are basic approach parameters that any commercial pilot should know and be capable of achieving by hand-flying the airplane.]

After 5 years, they finally nailed me. I still had to sign my name to their training and sometimes if I just couldn’t pass someone on a check, I had no choice but to fail them. I usually busted about 3-5 crews a year and the resistance against me built. I failed an extremely incompetent crew and it turned out he was a high-ranking captain and the Chief Line Check pilot on the fleet I was teaching on. I found out on my next monthly trip home that KAL was not going to renew my Visa. The crew I failed was given another check and continued a fly while talking about how unfair I was.

Any of you Boeing glass-cockpit guys will know what I mean when I describe these events.

[The following description is aviation tech-heavy. In a nutshell, it describes an instrument approach procedure that the simulator training instructor has asked the crew to prepare for and fly to demonstrate proficiency in using the navigation systems when operating in instrument meteorological condition, or IMC.]

I gave them a VOR approach with an 15 mile arc from the IAF. By the way, KAL dictated the profiles for all sessions and we just administered them. This captain requested two turns in holding at the IAF to get set up for the approach. When he finally got his nerve up, he requested “Radar Vectors” to final. He could have just said he was ready for the approach and I would have cleared him to the IAF and then “cleared for the approach” and he could have selected “Exit Hold” and been on his way. He was already in LNAV/VNAV PATH.

So, I gave him vectors to final with a 30 degree intercept. Each time he failed to “extend the FAF” so he couldn’t understand why it would not intercept the LNAV magenta line when he punched LNAV and VNAV. He made three approaches and three missed approaches before he figured out that his active waypoint was “Hold at XYZ.” Every time he punched LNAV, it would try to go back to the IAF . . . just like it was supposed to do. Since it was a check, I was not allowed (by their own rules) to offer him any help. That was just one of about half dozen major errors I documented in his UNSAT paperwork. He also failed to put in any aileron on takeoff with a 30-knot direct crosswind (again, the weather was dictated by KAL).

This Asiana SFO [San Francisco] accident makes me sick, and while I am surprised there are not more, I expect that there will be many more of the same type of accidents in the future unless some drastic steps are taken to teach third world pilots basic flying. They are already required to hire a certain percentage of expats to try to ingrain more flying expertise in them, but more likely, they will eventually be fired too.

One of the best trainees I ever had was a Korean/American (he grew up and went to school in the USA) who flew C-141s in the USAF. When he got out, he moved back to Korea and got hired by KAL. I met him when I gave him some training and a check on the B-737 and of course, he breezed through the training. I give him annual PCs [Proficiency Checks] for a few years and he was always a good pilot. Then, he got involved with trying to start a pilots union and when they tried to enforce some sort of duty rigs on international flights, he was fired after being arrested and jailed.

Koreans are very, very bright and smart, so I was puzzled by their inability to fly an airplane well. They would show up on Day 1 of training (an hour before the scheduled briefing time, in a 3-piece suit, and shined shoes) with the entire contents of the FCOM [Flight Crew Operating Manual] and Flight Manual totally memorized. But, putting that information to actual use was many times impossible.

Crosswind landings are also an unsolvable puzzle for most of them. I never did figure it out completely, but I think I did uncover a few clues. Here is my best guess.

First off, their educational system emphasizes rote memorization from the first day of school as little kids. As you know, that is the lowest form of learning. so they act like robots. They are also taught to NEVER challenge authority, and in spite of the flight training heavily emphasizing CRM, the never-challenge-authority environment still exists in the cockpit either on the surface or very subtly. You just can’t change 3000 years of culture.

The other thing that I think plays an important role is the fact that there is virtually NO civil aircraft flying in Korea. It’s illegal to own a Cessna-152 and just go learn to fly. Ultra-lights and powered hang gliders are OK. I guess they don’t trust the people to not start WW III by flying 35 miles north of Inchon into North Korea.

But they don’t have the kids who grew up flying (and thinking for themselves) and hanging around airports. They do recruit some kids from college and send then to the US or Australia and get them their tickets [pilot’s licenses and ratings]. Generally, I had better experience with them than with the Korean ex-Military pilots. This was a surprise to me as I spent years as a Naval Aviator flying fighters after getting my private [license] in light airplanes. I would get experienced F-4, F-5, F-15, and F-16 pilots who were actually terrible pilots if they had to hand-fly the airplane. It was a shock.

Finally, I’ll get off my soap box and talk about the total flight hours they claim. I accept that there are a few talented and free-thinking pilots that I met and trained in Korea. Some are still in contact and I consider them friends. They were a joy, but they were few and far between and certainly not the norm.

This is a worldwide problem involving automation and the auto-flight concept. Take one of these new first officers who got his ratings in the US or Australia and came to KAL or Asiana with 225 flight hours. In accordance with their SOP [Standard Operating Procedures], he calls for the autopilot to be engaged at 250 feet just after takeoff. How much actual flight time is that? Not even one minute. Then he might fly for hours on the autopilot and finally disengage it (MAYBE?) below 800 feet after the gear was down, flaps extended and on airspeed using the autothrottle. Then he might bring it in to land. Again, how much real flight time or real experience did he get? Minutes! Of course, on the 777 or 747, it’s the same, only they get more inflated logbooks.

So, when I hear that a 10,000 hour Korean Captain was vectored in for a 17-mile final and cleared for a visual approach in CAVU [clear] weather, it raises the hair on the back of my neck.

Here is an email from a United crew holding short of the runway as the Asiana B-777 approached: [Note: The original text of the following has extensive aviation acronyms and terminology. I’ve edited a good bit of that out.]

On July 6, 2013, I was a 747-400 relief First Officer on a flight from San Francisco to Japan and witnessed the Asiana Flt 214 accident. We had taxied to hold short of runway 28L at SFO, and were waiting to rectify a HAZMAT [hazardous materials] cargo issue and obtain our final weights. As we waited just prior to the perpendicular holding area for the runway, all three pilots took notice of the Asiana 777 on short final.

The aircraft looked low on glidepath and had a very high deck angle compared to what seemed normal. I then noticed that with the apparent descent rate and closure to the runway environment, the aircraft looked as though it was going to impact the approach lights mounted on piers in SF Bay. The aircraft made a fairly drastic-looking pull up in the last few feet, and it appeared and sounded as if they had applied maximum thrust. However the descent path they were on continued and the thrust applied didn’t appear to come soon enough to prevent impact.

The tail cone and empennage of the 777 impacted the bulkhead seawall and departed the airplane, and the main landing gear sheared off instantly. This created a long debris field along the right side of the approach end of the runway. We saw the fuselage, largely intact, slide down the runway and out of view of our cockpit. We heard much confusion and quick instructions from SFO tower and a few moments later heard an aircraft go around over the runway 28 complex.

Approximately two minutes later I was looking out the left side cockpit windows and noticed movement on the right side of Runway 28L. Two survivors were stumbling but moving abeam the Runway 28L marking on the north side of the runway. I saw one survivor stand up, walk a few feet, then appear to squat down. The other appeared to be a woman and was walking, then fell off to her side and remained on the ground until rescue personnel arrived.

The Captain was on the radio and I told him to tell tower what I had seen, but I ended up taking the microphone instead of relaying through him. I told SFO tower that there appeared to be survivors on the right side of the runway and they needed to send assistance immediately. It seemed to take a very long time for vehicles and assistance to arrive for these victims. The survivors I saw were approximately 1000-1500′ away from the fuselage and had apparently been ejected from the fuselage.

By this point everyone had looked out the windows and could see the smoke plume from the 777. A number of passengers also noticed what I had seen with the survivors out near the end of 28L and expressed concern that the rescue effort appeared slow for those individuals that had been separated from the airplane wreckage.

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The Anniversary Gift That Backfired

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Pocket Stun Gun, a Great Gift for the Wife

This account is supposedly true. If not, it should be as a testimony to the difficulty men have in picking out the perfect gifts for their wives. Here it is:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized stun gun. The effects of using the thing were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse consequences for your assailant, allowing Julie adequate time to retreat to safety.



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh-and-blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. Besides that, she was reading one of her favorite books.


But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and the stun gun in the other.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4” in circumference, loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries. Pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, No possible way this thing can do that!

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

While I’m sitting there pondering my dilemma, Gracie glances up from her book and cocks her head to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it, stupid.” I ignore her, reasoning that a short burst from such a tiny little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it and touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .


I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a stun gun, understand this: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

And the worst part, if you can believe anything could possibly be, my wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

I’m calling it the Perfect 15th Anniversary Gift That Backfired.



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Why Men Are Seldom Depressed

Men are just happier people. What else would you expect from such simple creatures?

2 happy guysImage credit: crackskullbob.squarespace.com

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more  pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet, one pair of shoes, and one wardrobe color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send a link to this post to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it, and especially to the men who will enjoy reading it.

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The Pointy End of the Sword Gets Duller

An ex-USAF pilot friend of mine sent me this with an introduction from the personal experience of the Operations Officer of an F-22 squadron, who said a couple of years ago that he had more airplanes than pilots, and most of his pilots were leaving when their commitment was up. Their primary reasons for return to civilian life were being overworked and having to put up with a constant barrage of nit-picking requirements that have nothing to do with being at the pointy end of the sword in the cockpit of an F-22.

I don’t have the time or inclination at the moment to list all the factors currently degrading America’s military readiness, so I’ll confine this post to re-publishing the following article from the Air Force Times, published on June 25, 2013.

Air Force Offers Fighter Pilots $225,000 To Stay In

The pilots must extend their contracts for nine years

By Jeff Schogol, Staff writer

The Air Force is opening its wallet to keep more fighter pilots for a longer period of time, even as the service faces serious budget cuts that may continue for years.

About 250 fighter pilots are eligible to receive a $225,000 bonus in exchange for a nine-year commitment under the latest change to the Aviator Retention Pay program, said Lt. Col. Kurt Konopatzke, chief of rated force policy. Pilots can take half the money up front in a lump sum payout of $112,500, minus taxes. The rest is paid out over the nine years of the contract.

Previously, fighter pilots could only sign up to five-year contracts for bonuses of $25,000 per year, so now they can receive nearly twice the amount of money to stay in the Air Force, Konopatzke said. Other aviators also are eligible for the retention bonus, but for contracts of no more than five years, at up to $25,000 per year for a maximum of $125,000.

Fighter pilots who have completed 10 years of service after pilot training have until Sept. 30, the end of the fiscal year, to decide whether to sign a nine-year contract, Konopatzke said. The Air Force hopes about 162 fighter pilots — 65 percent of those eligible — will take the new option. That would cost the Air Force about $36.675 million, with a payout this fiscal year of $18.337 million.

The reason the Air Force is being so generous is that it has a current and projected shortage of fighter pilots, Konopatzke said. Last year, the Air Force allowed fighter pilots to take half of their retention bonus up front if they extended their contracts for five years.

“As we started looking at the data through FY 13 and in the out years, we realized that the shortage hasn’t gone away, and as a matter of fact, as we look at our projections, we think that shortage is going to continue for the next several years,” he said.

That led the Air Force to up its offer.

In April 2012, Gen. Hawk Carlisle — then a three-star general — told Air Force Times the pilot shortfall was because instructor pilots had been needed for combat missions, limiting the number of pilots coming through the training pipeline.

“In years past, we couldn’t execute all of our peacetime training flying hours that was a requirement because we were deployed too much,” Carlisle said at the time. “We’re trying to get that balance right. As things draw down, and hopefully to some extent the downrange flying decreases, we’ll increase home-station flying hours and concentrate on that.”

The Air Force also has a retention issue with fighter pilots, Konopatzke said.

“The fighter pilots in FY 12 took slightly less than their other rated counterparts who were eligible for the bonus: 60 percent vs. 65 percent,” he said. “Why they’re doing that, honestly is anecdotal evidence, I don’t want to speculate on why they’re electing to not take the bonus and separate.”

The option for fighter pilots to sign nine-year contracts comes with slightly more than three months left in the fiscal year. The delay is due to the automatic spending cuts that took effect in March, known as “sequestration,” Konopatzke said.

Forced to cut money from its budget, the Air Force had to figure out what special pays it could offer this fiscal year, he said.

“The Air Force leadership had to take a look at where those cuts would come from and which programs we would have to either cut or not,” he said.

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Fighter Pilot’s Retirement Home

If the title of this post is black and/or you see the fighter-pilot header, click on the title to view the featured-image header.

To say that I miss the days of strapping into the F-4 Phantom cockpit is an understatement in the extreme. To say that I could climb in one today and feel at home again is probably an overstatement in the extreme, although I’ll never admit it.

But the truth of the matter is that you never shed the effects once it’s in your blood, and here are two images to prove the point.


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