Presentation to EAA Chapter 187

HeaderHaveMicWillTravel

If the title of this post is black, click on it to view the featured-image header and continue reading.

Ron Panton of Experimental Aircraft Association Chapter 187 is a member of LAMP (Learning Activities for Mature Persons), a lecture and seminar series at the Osher Lifelong Learning Center on the UT-Austin campus. He didn’t attend my “Pilot Error in Fact and Fiction” presentation there on January 24, 2013, but he read the summary and thought the Chapter might be interested in hearing it at one of their monthly meetings. Ron contacted Mark Petrosky, who in coordination with the Chapter president Anthony Plattsmier coordinated with me to speak last evening at the Wells Branch Community Library.

Mark sent out an eblast to Chapter members with MailChimp and did a great job with the layout, which included a bio, photos, the title page slide of the PowerPoint presentation, the wraparound covers for the paperback versions of my books, and this great lead-off image, which I assume is reproduced here with permission.

EAA_187_Pilots

As originally designed, the presentation assumes an audience of normal people who don’t subject themselves to the flyer’s world, consisting of hours of boredom interspersed with moments of sheer, stark, raving terror. The invitation created a dilemma of sorts, in that parts of the presentation delve into topics that are unfamiliar to non-aviators but self-evident to pilots. I didn’t want to insult the collective experience and skill in the room, nor did I relish revising the slides and script.

The solution I chose was to alter the objective of the talk by moving more quickly through the fundamental subject matter and show them how I chose to explain to non-aviators what it’s like up there in the cockpit, and in particular, how pilot actions can affect the final outcome when something goes wrong.

In the aftermath, I can report that the audience appeared to be interested throughout the presentation, and two members of Chapter 187 mentioned other speaking opportunities that I might consider. The answer, of course, is sign me up.

Thanks to Ron, Mark, and Anthony for the invitation and the Chapter’s welcoming attitude. The experience was both a pleasure and an honor.

 

 

Posted in Pilot Error | 2 Comments

Old Aviators and Old Airplanes – A P-51 Story

If the title of title of this post is black, click on it to view the featured-image header and continue reading.

I originally intended the “Visitor Stories” logbook to include posts by others who had aviation tales to tell either as a pilot, passenger, or both. After a bit of initial success in convincing some writer friends to provide content, the pipeline dried up. Rather than abandon this category of posts, I decided to publish stories of others that I found or that were sent to me by friends and acquaintances who offer them for this purpose.

This story a perfect case in point, and it follows the philosophy I’ve used here before, that of honoring the aviators and their machines who took to the skies during WWII to rid the world of the obscenity known as the Axis Powers.

The images came to me via email, and without knowing whether they are copyright protected in terms of this specific use, I’ve elected to credit them to the sources indicated on the photos. They do not depict the events of that day, nor are they photos of the P-51 in the story. They are, however, gorgeous examples of what may be the most celebrated fighter aircraft of all time.

Image credits: MustangsMustangs, Bernard Zee, and Eric Van Gilder

The text that follows is as sent to me with minor editing.

OLD AVIATORS AND OLD AIRPLANES

Just about every military pilot I know would like a chance to fly the Mustang. It is still rated number one by the military channel on TV, ahead of all the fantastic jet fighters we have now. It changed the face of WWII in Europe in that it could stay with the bombers all the way to Germany and back. It could out-climb, out-turn and was faster than the German fighters of that era.

This is a good little story about a vivid memory of a P-51 and its pilot, by a fellow who was 12 years old in Canada in 1967. It was to take to the air. They said it had flown in during the night from some U.S. Airport, the pilot had been tired.

I marveled at the size of the plane dwarfing the Pipers and Canucks tied down by her. It was much larger than in the movies. She glistened in the sun like a bulwark of security from days gone by.

P51Story1

The pilot arrived by cab, paid the driver, and then stepped into the pilot’s lounge. He was an older man; his wavy hair was gray and tossed. It looked like it might have been combed, say, around the turn of the century. His flight jacket was checked, creased and worn–it smelled old and genuine. Old Glory was prominently sewn to its shoulders. He projected a quiet air of proficiency and pride devoid of arrogance. He filed a quick flight plan to Montreal (Expo-67 Air Show) then walked across the tarmac.

P-51Story2After taking several minutes to perform his walk-around check the pilot returned to the flight lounge to ask if anyone would be available to stand by with fire extinguishers while he “flashed the old bird up, just to be safe.”

Though only 12 at the time I was allowed to stand by with an extinguisher after brief instruction on its use. “If you see a fire, point, then pull this lever!” I later became a firefighter, but that’s another story. The air around the exhaust manifolds shimmered like a mirror from fuel fumes as the huge prop started to rotate. One manifold, then another, and yet another barked. I stepped back with the others. In moments the Packard-built Merlin engine came to life with a thunderous roar, blue flames knifed from her manifolds. I looked at the others’ faces, there was no concern. I lowered the bell of my extinguisher. One of the guys signaled to walk back to the lounge. We did.

P-51Story3Several minutes later we could hear the pilot doing his preflight run-up. He’d taxied to the end of runway 19, out of sight. All went quiet for several seconds. We raced from the lounge to the second story deck to see if we could catch a glimpse of the P-51 as she started down the runway. We could not. There we stood, eyes fixed to a spot half way down 19. Then a roar ripped across the field, much louder than before, like a furious hell spawn set loose. Something mighty this way was coming. “Listen to that thing!” said the controller.

P-51Story4In seconds the Mustang burst into our line of sight. Its tail was already off and it was moving faster than anything I’d ever seen by that point on 19. Two-thirds the way down 19 the Mustang was airborne with her gear going up. The prop tips were supersonic; we clasped our ears as the Mustang climbed hellish fast into the circuit to be eaten up by the dog-day haze.

P-51Story5We stood for a few moments in stunned silence trying to digest what we’d just seen. The radio controller rushed by me to the radio. “Kingston tower calling Mustang?” He looked back to us as he waited for an acknowledgment.

The radio crackled, “Go ahead, Kingston.”

P-51Story6

“Roger, Mustang. Kingston tower would like to advise the circuit is clear for a low level pass.” I stood in shock because the controller had, more or less, just asked the pilot to return for an impromptu air show!

The controller looked at us. “What?” He asked. “I can’t let that guy go without asking. I couldn’t forgive myself!”

P-51Story7The radio crackled once again, “Kingston , do I have permission for a low level pass, east to west, across the field?”

“Roger Mustang, the circuit is clear for an east-to-west pass.”

P-51Story8“Roger, Kingston, I’m coming out of 3000 feet, stand by.”

We rushed back onto the second-story deck, eyes fixed toward the eastern haze. The sound was subtle at first, a high-pitched whine, a muffled screech, a distant scream.

P-51Story9Moments later the P-51 burst through the haze. Her airframe straining against positive Gs and gravity, wing tips spilling contrails of condensed air, prop-tips again supersonic as the burnished bird blasted across the eastern margin of the field shredding and tearing the air.

P-51Story10At about 500 mph and 150 yards from where we stood she passed with the old American pilot saluting. Imagine. A salute! I felt like laughing, I felt like crying, she glistened, she screamed, the building shook, my heart pounded.

P-51Story11 Then the old pilot pulled her up and rolled, and rolled, and rolled out of sight into the broken clouds and indelibly into my memory. I’ve never wanted to be an American more than on that day. It was a time when many nations in the world looked to America as their big brother, a steady and even-handed beacon of security who navigated difficult political water with grace and style; not unlike the pilot who’d just flown into my memory. He was proud, not arrogant, humble, not a braggart, old and honest, projecting an aura of America at its best.

That America will return one day, I know it will. Until that time, I’ll just send off this story, call it a reciprocal salute, to the old American pilot who wove a memory for a young Canadian that’s lasted a lifetime.

P-51Story12

Posted in Visitor Stories | Leave a comment

Swiss Army Invades!

If the tile of this post is black, click on it to view the featured-image header and continue reading.

You’re probably aware of the recent proposed change to TSA procedures allowing knives to be carried on board commercial airliners. Like everything else going on in this country, this has stirred up a hornet’s nest of controversy.

I carry a knife everywhere I go as a matter of convenience and with the knowledge that should the situation arise, I can defend myself at least to some degree. I can put it in checked baggage (and probably never see it again), or leave it at home if I am traveling only with carry-on luggage.

But the larger issue of security theater as a “feel good” approach has resulted in lines of lunacy at airports all over this country in which little children, senior citizens in wheelchairs or with colostomy bags, and anyone with a metal medical device of any kind in their body are subjected to invasive hands-on assaults or radiation devices that from the very beginning were known to be only as effective as the manufacturers said they were. Case in point, the backscatter machines now being removed. If they absolutely had to be installed in the first place, it seems more than a little suspect that they are not needed now.

And underneath all this showmanship is the hidden highway that passengers never see, where thousands of workers enter what should be the most secure area on an airport, and they do so without being subjected to the same degree of inspection going on above them in the concourses. Think baggage handler, bomb, and boom.

Collectively, as a nation, we are fooling ourselves and being fooled in like kind, and we have only ourselves to blame. And it’s not about knives or pens or paper clips as weapons but the person, and a government that can’t get its act together in this or any other aspect of their duty to the American people. The longest continuous period of warfare in our history, sustained with the sweat, blood and flesh of a tiny percentage of patriotic American volunteers, a fiscal cancer aggressively spreading through the core of this great land, and a narcissistic nation obsessed with the latest i-whatever while Rome burns around them.

To carry a knife on board or not? The tip of the iceberg. Chaff in the wind. A grain of sand in a desert.

Posted in Rants and Raves | Leave a comment

Proof of the Presentation Pudding

If the title of this post is black, click on it to view the featured-image header and continue reading.

During my recent presentation “Pilot Error in Fact and Fiction” as a part of the UT LAMP Lecture and Seminar Series, discussing the role of human performance in aircraft accidents included an example of a how a mistake by an aviation mechanic could be the primary cause.

Any bolt in an airplane needs to stay put, and there are three methods used to ensure they do not loosen up. Bolts tightened to a specific torque value use safety wire to apply clockwise tension as shown in this image of six propeller attachment bolts.

propbolts_safetywireImage credit ultralightnews.ca

A castle nut is used in applications where a specific torque value is not critical and the primary objective is to prevent the nut from backing off. The nut is snugged down on the bolt and tightened until the nearest slot is lined up with a hole in the bolt. A cotter pin slipped into the slot, through the hole in the bolt, out the opposite slot in the nut and bent back onto itself secures the nut in place.

Castle NutImage credit amazon.com

A nylon lock nut is remains in place because of the friction between the nylon insert and the threads on the bolt, which cut into the nylon as the nut is tightened. The are designed for one-time use.

Nylon Lock NutImage credit toolstation.com

If a bolt comes loose because it was not properly safety wired, for example, and that is determined to be the first link in the chain of events, the primary cause of the accident can be attributed a mistake by a mechanic. Such was the case as reported on AVweb:

NTSB Cites Maintenance Errors In Fatal Crash

ntsb_hoover_crashA tourist helicopter that crashed in Nevada in December 2011, killing the pilot and two couples on a sightseeing tour over Hoover Dam, was brought down by an improperly fastened nut, the NTSB determined on Tuesday. The investigators found that a maintenance crew working on the Eurocopter AS350-B2 before the flight had probably reused a self-locking nut that should not have been reused. The nut failed in flight, making the aircraft uncontrollable. The mechanic and a supervisor both had been called in to work on their day off, the board said, and fatigue was cited as a factor. NTSB Chairman Deborah Hersman said the accident shows that mechanics need to use checklists in their work, just as pilots do.

Finding the cause of the crash required “old-fashioned investigative gumshoe work,” Hersman said at the board meeting. The aircraft, operated by Sundance Helicopters, had no flight data recorder on board, there were no witnesses to the crash, weather was clear and calm, and there were not even any ATC tapes. Radar showed that the helicopter deviated from the usual tour route about one minute before the accident, first climbing and turning, then descending and turning again before impact. The helicopter was heavily damaged by the impact and a post-crash fire. A synopsis of the safety board’s findings is posted online; the full final report will be posted in several weeks.

Another example of human error from my presentation is fuel starvation. I used it to indicate how failure of a commercial airline operations dispatcher to consider the potential for rapidly changing weather to cause inflight delays might result in an aircraft not having adequate fuel reserves. In the example below from Avweb, however, the blame falls squarely on the pilot-in-command.

Danbury Chute-Pull Aircraft Out Of Fuel

danburyThe NTSB says a Cirrus SR20 that parachuted to safety last week in Danbury, Conn., was out of fuel. In its preliminary report on the incident, which was widely publicized in the mainstream media, the NTSB says the aircraft, with a flight instructor, another pilot and a third person on board, was on final for the Danbury Airport when the pilot flying radioed to air traffic control that the aircraft was “out of fuel.” Investigators later were able to drain just 26 ounces of fuel from the tanks and none had spilled when the plane settled to the ground about three miles from the airport.

The report says the flight originated in Danbury and the trio flew to Groton and landed. They were returning to Danbury when the prop stopped. The round trip was about 150 zCirrus_SR22__CAPS_-_07miles if both legs were flown direct. After making the radio call, the pilot pulled the parachute handle and the aircraft settled in some trees in a residential area, breaking off the empennage. There were no injuries. There was a remote data module on board and a memory card in the avionics and both have been sent to the NTSB’s lab for analysis.

Note: The parachute visible in the photo above is not a personal chute. It was installed as part of the equipment aboard this Cirrus aircraft, and it’s designed to lower the entire aircraft safely to the ground as shown on the right. Safely, however, does not necessarily mean gently, and some aircraft damage can be expected. As mentioned in the article, the airplane landed in some trees, and the tail section broke off. Had it landed on flat terrain with no trees, that probably would not have occurred.

In any case, “There were no injuries” is the operative objective of this feature.

Posted in Pilot Error | Leave a comment

Photographic Evidence at UT LAMP

If the title of this post is black, click on it to view the featured-image header and continue reading.

LAMP1Waiting for Rita to ring the little brass bell

LAMP2Ann sells the first book to an eager customer

LAMP3Greeting customers

LAMP8The “Silver Fox” signs

LAMP10Tosh and Ann with Elaine Shelton, UT LAMP Curriculum Director for the Business/Lifestyles Track

Posted in Pilot Error | Leave a comment

UT LAMP Presentation After-Action Report

If the title of the is post is black, click on it to view the featured-image header and continue reading.

OsherBanner_v1.0

When I first heard about UT LAMP (Learning Activities for Mature People), two facts about the program seemed a little hard to believe.

First, that when invited to be a guest speaker, the earliest open lecture slot was 10 months in the future. Second, that membership is capped at 500, and at a yearly fee of $195, there’s a waiting list of prospective members who seek an invitation to join. As of Thursday, January 27, 2013, when I presented “Pilot Error in Fact and Fiction,” I no longer have any doubts about the popularity of the program or the reasons for it.

If I had to guess, I’d say that the combination of my pilot and military backgrounds makes me especially appreciative of competency in anything. Doing something well is never an accident, and the entire UT LAMP organization and its members are absolutely first class.

The expression “like clockwork” describes well the lecture sessions. I arrived a little before 9:00 a.m. and met Elaine Shelton, the curriculum director who invited me to be a speaker. We had been coordinating periodically over the past 10 months, and from the outset, Elaine did everything she said she would do to help me prepare, from presentation content, to timing, to logistics of setting up the book signing table, to obtaining the special parking permit, and arranging a visit as a guest to observe how the lectures were run.

Not to downplay the importance of my own preparation to revise the script and the slide show, but walking into the lecture room with confidence was due in large part to Elaine’s assistance. Another staff member facilitated connecting my computer to the A/V system and fitted me with the Lavalier microphone, and I was ready to go about 10 minutes before the scheduled start time.

Speaking of which, all flight briefings during my Air Force career began with a time hack. On one notable occasion, the flight lead of a combat mission in Vietnam provided a time hack with an exaggerated gesture to look at his wristwatch and announce in a ridiculous simulated accent, “Ah so. Seiko say time zero-eight-thirty hours.”

We all stared at him as if he’d gone crazy overnight until he showed us his brand-new Seiko watch that he bought the previous afternoon at the Base Exchange. None of us had ever seen a Seiko, but it didn’t take long to remedy that. From that moment on, most time hacks began with, “Ah so . . .”

I can report, however, that I didn’t need one at UT LAMP. You can set your watch by how they run it. And when you meet Rita, you know why.

Remember the hall monitors in school, or maybe your homeroom teacher with the ruler? This delightful lady is the gatekeeper, if you will, and she leaves no doubt in your mind who’s in charge when it comes to signing in guests, preparing the name tags, and the handling of the little brass bell that signals an advance warning. And when the clock strikes 9:30, the door closes and ding-a-ling we begin. Don’t be late.

After a few announcements, introduction of guests (and special thanks to my wife Ann, Dr. Guy Knolle, and Dr. Sue Ellen Young (Knolle) for their interest and support), Elaine steps to the podium, presents a very nice introduction, and the audience greets me with what felt like welcoming applause. That’s the way to launch into presenting for the first time an hour-long lecture that has changed significantly since one earlier event that didn’t meet my own standards. My nervousness vanished almost immediately.

I had timed my practice sessions giving the lecture to an empty home office/study and knew that it took just under the allotted hour. I also knew from previous experience that I have a tendency to stray from a script with extemporaneous additions, any of which might well cause me to overrun the limit. And that might get me in hot water with Rita, so I definitely didn’t want to let that happen. Don’t make her ring the little bell, Tosh!

I am relieved to report that I opened the Q&A period with two minutes to spare. For the next 17 minutes, UT LAMP volunteers responded to raised hands within the audience by distributing microphones and exerting direct control over who asked a question and when.

With no idea about what to expect from the questions, I have to say that they all addressed specific points covered during the lecture and indicated genuine interest in the topic.

And then the control of timing reigned once again. With only 15 minutes between the end of the Q&A and Rita’s next ringing of the little bell, I had to disconnect my computer and vacate the podium. That was not an easy task with UT LAMP members wanting to engage me in conversation, which I was delighted to do, but it required multi-tasking. And I’m proud to report that Rita shook my hand. Twice.

The book signing table looked really nice. I had posters of the front covers for each of the books and a price list with thumbnails of the covers. The final sales tally was 27 books, consisting of 11 novels and 16 (8 each) of the non-fiction titles.

One interesting note is that UT LAMP didn’t used to allow speakers to sell copies of their books. But that changed a few years ago, and it created a positive effect on their ability to attract speakers on a greater variety of topics.

Feedback from a variety of sources has validated for me the utility of combining a topic of interest with extensive preparation and repetition to create a professional lecture. I’d love to do it again, but the next available slot may be many years down the road.

I salute UT LAMP and everyone associated with it.

Well done!

HaveMicWillTravel_@150

Posted in Pilot Error | 1 Comment

Have Microphone – Will Travel

If the title of this post is in black, click on it to view the featured image header and continue reading.

PE In Fact & Fiction

Two older posts in the Pilot Error Logbook address the topic of a PowerPoint presentation titled “Pilot Error in Fact and Fiction” that I created after being invited to be a guest speaker at the Lakeway Men’s Breakfast Club (LMBC) in March, 2012: “Have Presentation – Will Travel” on 03/19, and “Presentation Aftermath” on 04/22.

As mentioned in the second of those posts, I received a subsequent invitation to give the presentation as part of the UT LAMP (Learning Activities for Mature People) Lecture and Seminar Series, a part of the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, on January 24, 2013, beginning at 9:30 a.m. at the Thompson Conference Center on the University of Texas at Austin Campus.

Based on the LMBC experience and in coordination with my UT LAMP curriculum contact, relative emphasis on the factual and fictional elements of the presentation has been changed. I’ve picked three high-profile aviation accidents to illustrate the effect of human performance on the ultimate outcomes. In each case, the event sequence is examined to show how a series of key elements fit together such that if any one had not occurred, the accident would never have happened. In addition, I revamped the slide show to further enhance the presentation and am currently in the process of fine-tuning both the show and the script.

I jokingly tell anyone unfortunate enough to engage with me in conversation about the presentation that the World Tour has begun, as evidenced by a recent invitation to be a guest speaker at Querencia at Barton Creek on March 6, 2013, at 2:00 p.m.

Please note that at this point, the tour schedule is relatively open. If you hurry, you can reserve the primo slots.

HaveMicWillTravel_@150

Posted in Pilot Error | Leave a comment

Can Ebooks and Print Coexist?

Note: If the title of this post is black, click on it to view the featured image header.

Unless you’ve been living off the planet for the past five years, you are more than likely aware of the ongoing turmoil in the publishing industry which began when Amazon introduced the Kindle on November 19, 2007. Pundits on both sides of the chasm between traditional  (legacy) and independent (indie) publishing make frequent predictions as to what the future holds in store . . . as in bookstore, and of course, libraries, neither of which you need to read an eBook.

I’ve never quite understood the oft-expressed addiction to the aroma of paper and ink as justification for the fear that the eBook revolution will mean the end of the printed book and the physical structures that house them. It’s a doom-and-gloom attitude that in my opinion needs to shake hands with reality. Let me address a few facts for your consideration.

Legacy publishing operates on a business model of scarcity built around the new release hardcover book. Publishers pay for access to limited shelf space in a brick-and-mortar bookstore and lose that primo status as soon as sales no longer support the book’s right to remain in a high visibility location. Then it’s back into the stacks to make room for the next hot release.

The phenomenon in relation to the buyer is no different than when shopping online with a keyword search. Most of us never get beyond the first page of links. Unless you walk into a bookstore to find a particular book, your attention is hijacked by the carousels and tables within a few feet of the entrance. Books placed front-cover out under a sign that says something like NEW ARRIVALS are hard to ignore.

A book no longer worthy of top billing quickly ends up on the bargain tables at Barnes & Noble and the big-box discount stores, selling for less than a new-release paperback. Over 40% of all books published end up as these “remainders,” and a large percentage of them meet their demise in the jaws of a pulping machine to be reborn as recycled paper.

Add to that this sobering statistic: only one in five books published earns out the author’s advance. How legacy publishing can be proud of their inability to discern what the public really wants to read never ceases to amaze me.

Whether you own an e-reading device, or are thinking about it, or are determined never to even touch one, it’s hard to avoid the reality that eBooks exist in an environment of infinite abundance. There’s no limit to virtual shelf space, no requirement to print thousands of physical books and ship them and deal with the remainders because there aren’t any.

So, these fact should be the harbinger of death to print books, right? Well . . . probably not. I prefer author Barry Eisler’s analogy prediction. Candle makers used to sell light. Now, they sell candlelight. The industry didn’t collapse into the basement of history with the proliferation of electricity. It morphed into a niche role.

Print books will continue to lose market share because no economic forces exist to reverse the trend. The decrease, however, will slow and eventually reach a sustainable balance with eBooks. The resulting industry will serve the needs of those who never read a digital book, those who never read anything but, and those whose reading preference is situational.

It’s one thing to express an opinion based on less-than-scientific research, which I’m doing here and have previously in a post titled, “Fiction After 50 and Ebooks,” and another thing entirely to provide specific statistical data. Surprisingly enough, someone actually read that post and sent me an email suggesting that I take a look at research that supports a prediction of coexistence.

Initially, I was a little dubious. I tend to be cautious about how ingenious the hackers can be, but the email didn’t appear to be spam or contain anything insidiously destructive to my website. All I had to do to check it out was reply to the email and receive a link to an info-graphic. I did that and found what appears to be well-documented research on habits of the reading public.

So, I decided to offer the info-graphic here, attributed to TeachingDegree.org

Posted in Writing | Leave a comment

Living In Another Universe

If the title of this post is black, click it to view the featured-image header.

As a professional aviator for over four decades, especially during my career as a fighter pilot, I considered myself to be living in a domain far removed from that of “normal” folks. This feeling intensified during visits to my childhood home in Dallas, Texas, where five of my closest friends had returned after going off to college.

The visits had a surreal quality, never more apparent than shortly after returning to the States following my two combat tours in Southeast Asia during the Vietnam conflict. I made it a point to meet with each of my buddies, often for lunch in the middle of their work day, which meant that I had the opportunity to see them in their professional environment: the offices of a lawyer, real estate agent, financial planner, travel agent, and architect.

At the time, it bothered me that I couldn’t show them what I did for a living. The fact that they may not have wanted to climb into the cockpit of an F-4 Phantom never occurred to me, of course. It was my office, after all, and I visited them in theirs, right? So what’s the big deal?

Other aspects of life separate us as individuals as well. I can’t imagine what it takes to create a painting, for example. Two of my friends who live in Fredericksburg are both artists, and during visits I get to see their current works in progress. The transformation from a blank canvas to finished painting is, in a word, unfathomable to me.

The image of the painting below was sent to me by another artist friend and fellow writer. When I take the time to look closely at it, my fascination with the question, “How does anyone do that?” goes into high gear.

Self-portrait by German artist Albert Dürer (1471-1528)

The same can be said of my reaction to any of the paintings in the ongoing series of posts on this site  titled “Beautiful Aviation Art.” The first post in that series tells the story of finding online the slide show put together by my friend and fellow fighter pilot, Yago Bobadilla, Major General (Ret), Spanish Air Force. We’d lost track of each other over the intervening 40 years, and it was a real treat to reconnect.

Yesterday I received from him the following list of sayings by Stephen Wright, the straight-faced comedian who said, “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen . . . and replaced by exact duplicates.” Wright is, in short, a master of the paraprosdokian.

(Image credit: poptower.com)

As Yago says, “His mind sees things differently than we do — to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems:”

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those of you who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

Posted in Single Ship | 1 Comment

A Visitor to the Booth

Note: If the post title is black, click on it to view the featured image header.

In preparation for our visit to a meeting of the Lake Travis Fiction Writers, members of Austin Indie Writers planned to gather at the Texas Book Festival for a photograph that could be used to publicize our panel presentation on “How to Publish Your Own Novel.”

We managed to get only four of us together at the same time and place, which turned out to be Sunday afternoon in the Violet Crown Publishers booth.

When my friend and fellow writer Brad Whittington saw the photo for the first time, he said, “I look slightly deranged. Where’s my sling blade?”

(Tosh McIntosh, Brad Whittington, Laura Resnick-Chavez, Cindy Stone)

In case you are wondering, a sling blade, or kaiser blade, is a heavy, hooked, steel blade at the end of a 40-inch handle that is usually made of hickory. It is used to cut brush, briar, and undergrowth. The blade is double-edged, and both sides are usually kept sharp. Other common names for this tool are ditch bank blade, briar axe, and surveyor’s brush axe.

Sling Blade is a 1996 American drama film set in rural Arkansas, written and directed by Billy Bob Thornton, who also stars in the lead role. It tells the story of a mentally impaired man named Karl Childers who is released from a psychiatric hospital, where he has lived since killing his mother and her lover when he was 12 years old, and the friendship he develops with a young boy. In addition to Thornton, it stars Dwight Yoakam, J. T. Walsh, John Ritter, Lucas Black, Natalie Canerday, James Hampton, and Robert Duvall.

[Both descriptions and sling blade image credit: Wikipedia. Sling Blade theatrical poster image credit: impawards.com]

Ever alert for opportunities to have a bit of fun at Brad’s expense and to pay him back for all the occasions in which he has done the same with me, I pondered what it would have been like if Billy Bob Thornton as Karl Childers had visited the booth. See the results below. I think it’s an improvement . . .

 

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Posted in Writing | Leave a comment