ABNA – View from a Reviewer’s Chair
Round Two wordfighting at the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award (ABNA) corral began on February 24th and ended on March 13th. On or about March 22nd, Amazon will post the excerpts used in the judging and their associated reviews for each of the 250 entrants in each of two categories advanced to the Quarter Finals.
A friend and fellow writer sent me the following insider’s account of the Round Two behind-the-scenes action during last year’s contest, and I’ve elected to publish it here with only minor editing (and no images) because it offers an interesting view into the role of a reviewer in this particular writing contest and probably contains carry-over value to others as well.
I say this with full knowledge of the criticism directed by some at ABNA for the structure of this contest. On the other hand, I totally reject the opinions of writers who complain about the hurdles placed in their path. No one forced them to enter. To suggest that having to write a pitch is unfair, and ask why the judges can’t begin with the novels because that’s where the award-winning writing is, and conclude that the contest sucks because it rewards mediocre talent, well, that’s simply bogus.
I am also aware that very good novels (and maybe the best of the bunch) will not be considered for the grand prize because of the luck of the draw. It would be really cool if we could pick our judges, but absent that, chance plays a role as in all aspects of life.
What follows is long, but I think it’s worth a read because the ABNA contest emphasizes the critical importance of engaging readers very early in the story, and in that regard it accurately reflects the demands of the marketplace as reflected in how manuscripts are submitted and ultimately selected for publication.
Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award (ABNA) Writing Contest Overview.
The Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award or ABNA allows people 13 and older from 20 different countries to submit their unpublished or self-published English language novel for consideration for a grand prize of a publishing contract with Penguin USA and a $15,000 advance on royalties. In 2010, a similar prize for young adult fiction, aimed at twelve- to seventeen-year-old readers, was added to the general fiction prize awarded in past years. Both prizes are awarded in parallel contests following the same procedures.
In addition to the grand prize, thousands of other prizes offer a total value of over $100,000, including a trip to the awards ceremony in Seattle, Washington for the three finalists in each category and reviews from Publishers Weekly to use in marketing. Each entrant gets a proof copy of their novel from CreateSpace.com. In the past, not only have the first-place winners received a publishing contact, but the publicity generated has helped produce contracts for many other finalists and semifinalists as well.
Only the first 5,000 manuscripts submitted in each category are accepted. Each author submits their entire novel, an excerpt from the beginning of the novel consisting of the first 3,000 to 5,000 words, and a pitch of up to 300 words, as well as the necessary personal information.
ABNA Contest Stages and Process:
The contest has several stages of judging used to narrow the field to the final grand prize winners.
In the first stage, which lasts about two weeks, Amazon editors narrow the field from 5,000 entries in each category to a maximum of 1,000 based solely on a review of the pitch. The pitch is a cover letter with a short description of the concept of the novel intended to sell it to the reader, like a sales pitch or advertisement. The pitches must 300 words or less and are evaluated for the quality of the writing, originality, and overall strength. A list of the entrants advanced to the second stage is posted on the ABNA website.
I participated in this stage as a Vine Voice reviewer. Amazon Vine Voices review each excerpt of the beginning of the manuscript and write short critiques addressing three questions and rate them across four dimensions. Each of the three questions about the excerpt may be answered by the Vine Voice with up to 300 words, addressing the strongest aspect, the aspect that needs the most work, and the overall opinion of the excerpt. The excerpts are also rated on a scale of one to five stars for overall strength, plot and hook, prose and style, and originality.
The winners of this stage are based primarily on the overall strength score with other ratings used as tie breakers. The 1,000 contestants left in each category are reduced to 250 during this stage, which lasts about three weeks. The excerpts and reviews from the 250 winners from each category are posted on the ABNA website. Amazon customers are then invited to read, review and rate the excerpts.
In the third stage of the contest, the Quarterfinals, professional reviewers from Publishers Weekly read, review, and rate the complete manuscripts from one to five stars on character development, originality, plot, prose and style, and overall strength. This process takes over a month and results in 50 entries in each category advancing to the fourth stage of the writing contest based on their average scores.
In the fourth stage or Semifinals, the manuscripts are evaluated by judges selected by Penguin USA to choose three finalists in each category using the same criteria used in the third stage. This stage lasts almost a month.
In the fifth stage, the Finals, Amazon customers read and vote on the six finalists to determine the two grand prize winners, one for young adult fiction and one for general fiction. The manuscripts that reach this stage are also reviewed by a celebrity panel made up of a famous author, an agent, and an editor so that their opinions can be considered by Amazon customers during the voting. This stage lasts a little over a week.
Later in June, less than two weeks after Amazon customers have selected the two grand prize winners, the six finalists and a guest are flown to Seattle, Washington, where Amazon’s international headquarters are located, for the grand prize award ceremony. There, the two deserving winners will receive offers to have their novels published by Penguin USA as well as a $15,000 advance. One can only try to imagine how excited the six finalists are in Seattle as the winners are announced.
An Amazon Vine Voice Reviewer’s Insider View of the contest:
Vine Voices are Amazon customers who are selected to receive new products from vendors and publishers for review based on their history of submitting reviews on Amazon products. Not all of these Vine Voices are asked to participate in the contest and the criteria for selection are unknown to the Vine Voices chosen. Since each Vine Voice reviews 40 excerpts and each excerpt is reviewed by at least two reviewers, and there are 2,000 entries at this stage, the minimum number of Vine Voice reviewers required to complete 4,000 reviews is 100.
In 2010, the 40 excerpts each Vine Voice received were a mix of young adult fiction and general fiction. Amazon defines young adult fiction as that intended to be primarily enjoyed by readers twelve to seventeen years old and adult fiction is for those seventeen years and older. The excerpts I received seem to have been almost equally divided between the two categories, although that was not easily determined by the title or even content alone. The manuscript excerpts are accessed, reviewed, and rated through CreateSpace.com, an online on-demand publishing and distribution system that is now part of the Amazon group of companies. Once a review has been submitted, it is locked and cannot be accessed again by the reviewer.
Some Vine Voice participants write all their reviews offline and then submit them later after looking at them again. Forty excerpts is a great many to read and review and rate with the consideration that the contestants deserve, so the Vine Voices have over three weeks to complete their work. The excerpts are from 3,000 to 5,000 words long, which is somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 to 20 pages of a published novel. The excerpts are supposed to be from the very beginning of the novel. Most of the entrants seem to do a good job of choosing to end the excerpt at a cliffhanger in the story or at a natural pause in the writing, but a few seem to just cram in the maximum allowable number of words or else had no good point in the manuscript to end the excerpt.
This stage is the first to evaluate any of the text of the novel itself. In the first stage, entries were chosen based on the pitch, which is about the manuscript, but not part of it. Some people with excellent novels might have been eliminated because of a poorly written pitch, which may be less common than poorly written novels that make it through based on a decent pitch. At times I wondered what the successful pitch must have looked like compared to the quality of the excerpt of the manuscript and on occasion I wished that I had been able to read the pitch to see where the novel was going and how the excerpt fit into the rest of it.
A few entries are disqualified in this second stage because the authors chose an excerpt from elsewhere in the book, usually at a point with lots of action or of what the author believed to be his or her best writing. The Vine Voices are required to report this failure to follow contest rules. Another common reason for disqualification at this stage is that there are always a few authors who submit the excerpt with their name on it, which also violates the rules. Having a name on the manuscript excerpt undermines the integrity of the contest, which judges only the work and its pitch. Authors must remain anonymous to the judges. For the same reason, I did not download the list of authors and titles that had advanced to this stage until I completed my reviews.
Another and fortunately less common reason for rejection at this stage is that the Vine Voice recognizes plagiarism. It is very upsetting to have to report these rule violations, especially when the excerpt is promising in other respects. In the 40 excerpts I reviewed, two were not from the beginning of the novel and one had the author’s name on it. The Vine reviewers are still required to complete their assessments but it can be difficult to evaluate the hook, for instance, if the excerpt is from the middle of the novel and you do not know even know what the hook was.
There were also a couple of excerpts that seemed to be in the wrong category of young adult vs. general fiction, although I could not be sure if there had been a mistake or if the author’s opinion of where their work belonged differed so greatly from my own assessment.
Then there were the two excerpts that seemed to be written for very young children rather than young adults. I commented on these findings in the reviews, and the second issue in particular colored my opinions. Although we were not instructed to report these issues, I would imagine that the judges in later stages would be hesitant to award the general fiction prize to a story about tadpoles named Binky, Winky, and Tinky who grow up into frogs and venture across the road to the Big Pond.
I chose to read each excerpt at least twice. I would read 10 or so and then reread and review and rate them later, usually the next day. This allowed me to form an initial impression and then test that impression with a second reading to fully form an opinion.
Usually my first impressions were confirmed, but on occasion I found a deeper appreciation for an author’s writing style or perception on the second reading. A few excerpts I read a third time while actually writing the reviews to help me find examples to use in my comments, usually when the excerpt was either very good or very poor in overall quality. I felt that two readings was the least I could do to properly evaluate the writing.
Thoughts on Categories of Quality of the Manuscript Excerpts:
The excerpts seemed to easily fall in one of three categories: very poorly written works with few redeeming qualities, works that were generally mediocre with one or two noteworthy aspects either good or bad, and those that were very good in every aspect.
Fortunately there were only a very few excerpts that were so poorly written that I had difficulty finding something strong to praise, and usually I could at least honestly laud the writer’s originality or imagination. Some of these seemed to be young adult novels written by young teenagers, and these required special tact in commenting on the negative aspects and overall opinion. Usually they followed a standard story line seen in films and books aimed at young people. I tried to encourage the writers to continue to work at writing and their studies.
Then there were generally mediocre excerpts that had some negative quality such as atrocious spelling and grammar and constant use of hackneyed phrases, along with an outstanding gift for describing things in an original fashion, very realistic dialogue, or an interesting and original concept. These were actually the easiest excerpts to evaluate because I could find examples of something both very strong and something needing work to assess. That allowed my negative criticism to be tempered with positive commentary, and I felt that I might even be able to help the author write better in the future even with the brief comments I could make.
In general, judging from comments entrants made about the contest, writers crave assessment and review of their work as a form of feedback for improvement. I would also note any minor issues such as spelling or other errors, believing that the writer would improve the manuscript and continue to work towards publishing it even if it wasn’t ready to win the 2010 ABNA contest. A few of these really seemed to have potential, especially if it seemed to be a young author, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them published at some point in the future with enough hard work.
The smallest category consisted of the best and strongest works. It was easy to praise these and find examples of their strong points. One excerpt made me cry and several made me laugh. Some of them were so good that I was truly aggravated not to be able to review the entire manuscript, although there is a good chance that they will be published at some point in the future and I will have the pleasure of paying to read them in print.
These excerpts were generally very well polished and with the exception of a few typos needed only very minor editing. In a few cases, I was hard-pressed to find any significant aspect that needed work. Unable to offer any truly helpful criticism, to some degree these reviews tended to be more about my reaction to the work than about the work itself. I’m sure those authors didn’t mind too much being left only with unhelpful compliments and after all, it really should be difficult for me, a reviewer, to give a truly outstanding author helpful advice.
General Observations on the Writing and Contest:
In many of the excerpts, I was very impressed with how much character development was possible in so few pages. The originality of some of the writers was truly humbling, both on a large scale like the overall concept of the novel and on a small scale such as how a small detail was described.
Many of the writers seemed to be using writing as a form of psychological or spiritual therapy, sometimes with good results to present to the reader. There was a range of deep emotion expressed with words from people of all ages and from all over the world. The ability to express it varied greatly, but it was always touching.
Many of the young adult novels were fantasy or science fiction. Some of these entries seemed to be better suited for video games or action films than a novel. There were probably more excerpts set in the past and the future than the present, and they were set in many different places on this planet and in unknown worlds. There were some excerpts very similar in concept, but for the most part each one was very different from the rest in terms of theme and content and of course, writing style.
I also gained an appreciation for the entire publishing industry and how difficult it must be to evaluate the manuscripts submitted. I am very impressed with the design of the contest and how it filters 10,000 novels into two final winners through the efforts of hundreds of people spending many thousands of hours reading and evaluating pitches, excerpts, and manuscripts, writing reviews, and supporting the entire process. The information technology used to facilitate the process is also impressive if one stops to consider it.
Overall, reviewing the writing was hard but enjoyable work. It took almost 1 1/2 hours to read and review each excerpt, on average. I was glad when it was finished but would definitely do it again if offered the opportunity.
Advice for Writers Entering the ABNA or Similar Writing Contests:
After reviewing the excerpts, many of which repeated the same problems, I feel qualified to give some basic advice from a reviewer’s standpoint to help writers win ABNA. Much of this advice should apply to other writing contests as well.
Read the contest rules and follow them very carefully. Read them again and get someone else to read them to you to make sure you understand them. Don’t put your name where it is not supposed to be. Make sure your excerpt is from the beginning of the manuscript and is the right length. Pay attention to deadlines. Enter early. In spite Amazon’s warning not to wait until the last minute, some people were unable to get their entries in or to complete them because of busy servers.
To have the best chance of winning, make sure to enter your novel in the correct category. Don’t enter a young adult novel in the general fiction contest or try to win a short story or poetry prize with it. Put at least as much work into writing your pitch as you do into writing your novel. Only 20% of entries were selected to have the excerpts reviewed and the decision was based solely on the pitches. If a pitch was not better than four out of every five then the actual novel was not evaluated even if it was the best novel submitted.
If you are going to be judged on an excerpt at some stage in a contest, put special effort into perfecting it. Your entire novel should be polished, but if one part of it will receive special attention from judges, then you should give it special attention as well. Only 25% of the entries will advance to the next stage and again, it is based solely on the excerpt. If you have a good pitch and a good excerpt, the rest of your novel could be absolutely terrible and you will still advance from being 1 of 5,000 contestants to being 1 of 250 contestants. In other words, the top 5% of entries are chosen based only on the pitch and the excerpt. Make sure yours are good so your entire manuscript will be evaluated in the next phase of the contest.
Several excerpts I reviewed had very complicated and overworked opening prologues or paragraphs that just didn’t work very well when the next paragraph would have made a much better start. It is absolutely possible to try too hard and get so involved in your writing that you cannot see where the strengths and weaknesses are.
Get other people to read and review your work. There are even groups of writers on the Internet who help each other with this. Use spell check and grammar check. I was surprised at some of the misspellings and other simple errors in the entries that spell check would have caught. The submissions are supposed to be ready for a final, professional editing prior to publication and should not contain dozens of careless errors, which definitely affects the reviews and ratings. On the other hand, don’t rely on spell check alone as it does not catch all errors. You need to review it yourself and have other people review it or you will end up a “looser.”
Make sure that your submission is formatted properly so that the reader can tell who is speaking or thinking and avoid long paragraphs that are impossible to follow. If your novel relies on special formatting such as italics or colors to make sense, realize that the software platform you submit your work on may not support that formatting. Think of alternative ways to communicate your intent. You may not be able to submit drawings such as diagrams or maps that a reader might rely on in the published work.
Pay attention to basic principles and timeworn advice for writers. For example, sentence fragments such be used skillfully or not at all. If a sentence has no subject and there is no noun in the preceding sentence even likely to be the subject, you are making the reader work too hard. Make sure that you change viewpoints carefully and not inadvertently. Don’t address the reader directly unless it is your intention. Don’t use titles for chapters that contain spoilers, especially if it is a thriller or mystery. That takes the fun and interest out of reading your story. Avoid the use of clichés unless you have carefully considered their use. Don’t start your story with “It all began….” Don’t say that a character has piercing eyes of any color and certainly not emerald green. Emeralds come in many different colors and so does ink, if your night sky just has to be inky. If your character feels like he is in a dream, it had better be a good one.
Think twice before starting your book with a funeral. It’s okay if characters sometimes just say something, they don’t always have to whisper, shout, or wonder aloud. You can write “he said” and “she said” without feeling unoriginal. Read your manuscript specifically looking for these trite usages and ask others to look for them as well. On the other hand, go easy with the thesaurus. Your reader should not be forced to use the dictionary several times on each page.
Make sure that your dialogue sounds natural. Stiff dialogue can ruin an otherwise good piece of writing. If you can’t get someone else to read it out loud to you, read it yourself. Does it sound like something anyone would actually say? If not, then your character will not seem real to the reader. Make sure that you understand what you are describing. Several writers gave incorrect facts or descriptions of things or places that they very obviously had never seen yet were trying to accurately portray.
There are classic themes that work well for novels such as a hero fulfilling a quest or seeking revenge or a person unknowingly falling in love with a non-human (vampire, werewolf, alien), and classic devices such as portals to other dimensions or the discovery of a message or letter not intended for the one who finds it. These concepts have already been written about well so many times that if you write about them, you must do an excellent job or the reader will inevitably start making unfavorable comparisons.
Ask yourself and anyone who reads your writing if people will want to read it and recommend it to others. Above all, a novel is supposed to entertain and anything that breaks the writer’s hold on the reader’s attention or is even a minor distraction should be eliminated. The reader should forget that he is reading a book and just experience the story. The best excerpts did this and left me wanting to read the rest of the manuscript. Those are the ones that will advance to the next stage and have a chance to win publishing contracts as the ABNA grand prize or will be picked to be published at another time.
Hi, Tosh
Thanks for above. That’s very useful. I tremulously revisited my excerpt and found no author name on it, but, alas, I’d been in such a lather, that (it is already in novel format) had failed to take precautions over section breaks in this non linear story. Chapters sections have been reduced to double spacing. Should have used asterisks, (or Asterix) and spent more time setting it out for the new format.
I don’t think it will make sense to the reviewers, to be honest, so have accepted to failure in the being calm and sensible department, and will learn the lesson.
Next time . . . .
Bye for now
Billie
Hi, Billie:
I found the formatting to be problematic as well, especially when viewing the sample excerpt Amazon provided. It was taken from The Pit and the Pendulum and had single spacing, for example, which surprised me. That’s probably an issue of how the content of the three required pieces was submitted. Copying and pasting from our source documents into the fields provided (as opposed to typing it in from scratch) often causes formatting glitches. Luckily, uploading the complete manuscript avoided any such problems there.
I understand the feeling of having failed in some way, believe me. I do think it’s important to note that writing isn’t about the formatting, and the reviewers can separate the two in a way that allows them to judge the important part. If your story engages, it will do so in spite of how the words appear.
As I’ve mentioned in an earlier post on this topic, I’m not holding my breath in the hope that I’ll advance to the quarter-finals. I’d love that, of course, if for no other reason than to receive the PW reviews of the manuscript. In my case, the structure of the mystery/thriller genre combined with the restricted length of the excerpt means that my main character hasn’t entered the picture yet. Although very common in these types of stories, I’ve got this underlying “fear” that the reviewers won’t care for that. They may, of course, not care for a lot more than that.
So, we’re both being as calm and sensible as we can, I suppose. I try not to think about if, but the fact that the reviewing has been completed and we have only a week remaining is never very far from my thoughts. Best of luck.
Tosh
Great article! It was just what I was looking for while waiting to hear the news tomorrow. *bites fingernails* Thanks for posting!
Cyndi:
When you run out of fingernails you might check out my other post with the link to a second article (on the ABNA forum) for another view from the reviewer’s chair, this one from a 2011 Vine Voice. Who knows? The reviewer might have considered ours.
Nibbling here as well and best of luck,
Tosh
Tosh,
Can you tell me is my pitch is close to what a good pitch looks like?
Vanessa,
I can provide an opinion, although some of my writer friends say I have a bit too many of those(!). And in case you aren’t aware of it, the ABNA forums have a wealth of information on writing the pitch, but its value needs to be tempered with the reality that what you read there consists of no more and no less than the opinions of other forum members. Like participating in a writers’ group, it’s essential to consider a variety of viewpoints and from that raw material draw upon the bits and pieces that resonate with you in trying to capture the essence of your story in a defined number of words.
Each word counts, and each has to contribute something essential to the whole. You cannot afford to be wordy, or drift off point, or spend time addressing throwaway, non-essential story elements. That’s easy advice to write here, and much harder to incorporate, so let me offer the following from my personal experience.
Consider the pitch and a query letter to an agent as having exactly the same objective: compel the reader to want to know more. Concentrate on the “setup” as provided in the first 30-40 pages of your novel, which should clearly establish the “ordinary world” of the protagonist in being on page one. You are looking for a concise description of “normal” as it relates to what happens to get the story rolling.
Next is the inciting event or story catalyst that invades the protag’s ordinary world and turns it upside down. The best story “triggers” are those that attack the protag’s quintessential sense of self, what the protag sees in the mirror each morning and helps define the start to the day. If the event also resurrects a “ghost” from the past (an event that continues to “haunt” the protag in the present) and confronts the protag with his/her worst fear, all the better.
Next comes a sense of the outcome. This is not a listing of specifics, but an intriguing encapsulation of what the protag has to do in the attempt to return his/her world to the way it was on page one.
Hope this helps, and feel free to reply here, or to the email address associated with this website.
Yours in the craft,
Tosh
I went to ABNA and while there… its sad to say but people there are too emotional and misread what I as well as others say.
A forum should be place of wealth when it comes to advising.
Even more while there I became overwhelmed with what is correct. One tells you one thing and then another tells you its not correct. Many come off like experts yet have no one published book by a publishers other than themselves. And then there are those who attempt to second guess what the reviewers will accept or will not accept. It too much!
I need an open mind, your opinion of a better rewrite.
Here’s my pitch:
Bad luck happens to everyone… but not like it does to 13-year-old Nandi KaSha. Being born in secrecy, adopted, poor and living in a village where the citizens shun and kids bully her, Nandi prays for better days.
Learning you’re an ET prodigy and a lost Queen isn’t great after all. When Nandi discovers she’s the possessor of a powerful bequest called Serenity, which has been stolen by the tyrant Prince of the kingdom who’s her step-brother, a sibling she never knew she had, she panics. Now she has to battle him to reclaim it. But how, when you’re afraid of your own shadow?
From the moment of her abduction, Nandi knew her life was about to change. However, being prepared for ‘Charge’… meaning, learning how to brandish a magical sword along with remembering incantations written by the universe’s greatest sorcerers within seven days– wasn’t on her list of ‘Queenly’ likelihoods. Also knowing that magical powers are about to burst from her body isn’t a pleasant thought either. Still, all is fair when you’re fighting to save the world from destruction.
Nevertheless, even if Nandi succeeds, still there’s another; a dark one who not only wants to rid the world of Serenity, but he needs Nandi’s flesh to do it, after all she is half alien, and this is unacceptable.
NANDI AND THE SEVENTH CRYSTAL COIN is a 129,000 word epic ‘sword and sorcery’ quest that follows the twisting path of a heroic but unlikely group of friends: a peasant Queen, her two valiant cohorts and three apprentices. Like the action in the movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, thrilling adventure lurk in every chapter.
And Thanks for replying!
Or maybe this one
It’s been almost 1,000 years since the ETs surfaced, delivering their concept called Civilization and twelve worldly children Cipher Heralds. Nandi is the seventh prodigy of those twelve and the intended heir of the Oath of Serenity, the keeper of peace.
When her legacy, Serenity ends up in the hands of Mali, the tyrant ’bad seed’ eleven-year-old Prince of their kingdom, a troll abducts Nandi. She is taken to the fabled mystical land of Mer Wer, where a weaken Seer is hiding. She learns she is a ET prodigies and a lost Queen and that the prince is her half-brother, a sibling she didn’t know she had. Her emotions get ‘twisted’ because she has to destroy him to reclaim what is rightfully hers in order to save the world.
Nevertheless, even if she succeeds there’s another; a dark villain who not only wants to rid the world of Serenity, but he needs Nandi’s flesh to do it, after all she is half alien, and this is unacceptable.
NANDI AND THE SEVENTH CRYSTAL COIN is a 129,000 word epic ‘sword and sorcery’ quest that follows the twisting path of a heroic but unlikely group of friends: a peasant Queen, her two valiant cohorts and three apprentices. Like the action in the movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, thrilling adventure lurk in every chapter.
Here are my comments on the two versions of Vanessa’s pitch:
“I went to ABNA and while there… its sad to say but people there are too emotional and misread what I as well as others say.”
I agree, but only to a point. Misreading something can be due to the writer, the reader, or a combination of the two, and I don’t think it serves our purpose well to assign the problem to others without first taking a hard look at whether the way something is written causes or contributes to the problem. I’m not saying you did that, only emphasizing that in my opinion it’s seldom a one-sided issue.
“A forum should be place of wealth when it comes to advising.”
Some are, most aren’t. Forums with experts who offer advice and suggestions have been an invaluable resource for me with Photoshop, Word, and InDesign. With ABNA, it’s much more a matter of equals advising equals in terms of knowledge and expertise. I think there are forum members who come across in their posts as more worthy of our attention, but the bottom line is that you have no way of confirming the value of any opinion other than using your own best judgment to filter what you read.
“Even more while there I became overwhelmed with what is correct. One tells you one thing and then another tells you its not correct. Many come off like experts yet have no one published book by a publishers other than themselves. And then there are those who attempt to second guess what the reviewers will accept or will not accept. It too much!”
Agreed. Anything is correct if it works, but that’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. All of this relates to my previous comment about this being very much like sifting through the opinions of writers in a critique-group setting. The fact that there are some bogus comments offered doesn’t spoil the whole, any more than one right-on comment raises the others to the point of being helpful. When I was scouring through the ABNA forum, I tried to pick out the tidbits that resonated with me, and in retrospect I think it was more helpful than harmful.
“I need an open mind, your opinion of a better rewrite.”
Happy to provide it, but with emphasis on the fact that I may have nothing to say that is any more relevant or helpful than anything else you have read. One thing you won’t get from me is any claim that I have the answers for anyone else. My pitch got me past round one, and the query letter from which it came got me requests for three fulls and one partial manuscript from tier one literary agents in about three weeks. The bottom line for me was that it worked as it should by instilling in readers the desire to know more. If a query letter/pitch does that, it’s done its job whether someone else thinks it’s correct or not.
My comments inserted below will try to address only content.
“Bad luck happens to everyone… but not like it does to 13-year-old Nandi KaSha. Being born in secrecy, adopted, poor and living in a village where the citizens shun and kids bully her, Nandi prays for better days.”
I like this because it gives that essential setup for the protagonist. From it I read that Nandi is a loner, forced away from her elders and contemporaries by the way she’s treated, and it implies that she’s independent because she’s been forced to learn how to take care of herself.
“Learning you’re an ET prodigy and a lost Queen isn’t great after all. When Nandi discovers she’s the possessor of a powerful bequest called Serenity, which has been stolen by the tyrant Prince of the kingdom who’s her step-brother, a sibling she never knew she had, she panics. Now she has to battle him to reclaim it. But how, when you’re afraid of your own shadow?”
Personally, I’m not wild about use of the 2nd person in the first sentence. It’s a touchy issue, in my opinion, because it can be interpreted by the readers that you, the writer, are talking directly to them. The other thing that strikes me is that the sentence serves as a telling generalized statement that you then show in the next sentence. I suggest that you consider a version that gets right to the heart of it and let the showing convey to readers that being an ET prodigy and lost Queen isn’t great, but let subtext carry the message subtly rather than hitting readers over the head with it right out of the gate. The second sentence has a lot in it, and I’m a little confused by it. That could just be me, and you’ll have to determine for yourself if my reaction has anything of benefit. My point is that anything that speed-bumps a reader in a pitch is death to the pitch. Nothing can be cryptic, and everything has to contribute to intrigue. For example, How can Nandi possess something that has been stolen by the tyrant Prince? How important to the story is it that the Prince is her unknown step-brother? Unless those details are critical to understanding the essence of what this paragraph is designed to show readers, then the words used are not carrying their weight. The last sentence has 2nd person again, and the news that our heroine is afraid of her own shadow does not speak well for her. Another issue, and this is important, is that in general, rhetorical questions are usually considered to be a mistake in a query/pitch.
“From the moment of her abduction, Nandi knew her life was about to change. However, being prepared for ‘Charge’… meaning, learning how to brandish a magical sword along with remembering incantations written by the universe’s greatest sorcerers within seven days– wasn’t on her list of ‘Queenly’ likelihoods. Also knowing that magical powers are about to burst from her body isn’t a pleasant thought either. Still, all is fair when you’re fighting to save the world from destruction.”
What abduction? This comes out of the blue and readers have no idea what it means. Who abducted her and why? Saying that a life changes after an abduction is self-evident, and the fact that Nandi knows (always use present tense unless you absolutely have to use something else) is not important. She should know it, and the question for readers is what she’s going to do about it. The next sentence explains a word used in an unusual sense, which we really don’t need to know. What she has to learn how to do, no matter what it’s called might be very important to the story, but to present it as not being on a list isn’t very powerful. How important to the plot is the unpleasant nature of knowing that magical powers are about to burst from her body? The fact that it’s unpleasant just isn’t interesting enough. The why, how, and what part the magical powers play in the story is what readers want to know. Then we have a sentence that tells us about fairness and fighting to save the world, which doesn’t tie in with anything else we’ve read so far, nor does the relationship between something being unpleasant to Nandi and how that’s a part of “all being fair.”
“Nevertheless, even if Nandi succeeds, still there’s another; a dark one who not only wants to rid the world of Serenity, but he needs Nandi’s flesh to do it, after all she is half alien, and this is unacceptable.”
How does a “dark one” constitute “another” (what?) if Nandi succeeds? And we end with knowing the dark one’s objective to rid the world of Serenity by using Nandi’s flesh, and then in a sort of “oh, by the way, she’s half alien” and that’s unacceptable. The pitch should end with a clear, unambiguous statement that encapsulates the overall problem that Nandi has to solve in order to achieve her objective of saving the world from destruction, which should go here and not in the previous paragraph.
“NANDI AND THE SEVENTH CRYSTAL COIN is a 129,000 word epic ‘sword and sorcery’ quest that follows the twisting path of a heroic but unlikely group of friends: a peasant Queen, her two valiant cohorts and three apprentices. Like the action in the movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, thrilling adventure lurk in every chapter.”
This paragraph contains information that is more appropriate for a query than the ABNA pitch, at least from what I remember. The title is clearly indicated elsewhere, the reader doesn’t care about the word count, to characterize what type of novel it is shouldn’t be necessary because the pitch does that, and the “…twisting path…three apprentices” wording belongs in the last paragraph that will leave readers with a thirst to know more about how you pulled it off. Comparing your book to a movie and telling the reader that thrilling adventures lurk is not a good idea in a query or a pitch. The reader isn’t interested in what you think about it, only in what the book is about.
Second example:
“It’s been almost 1,000 years since the ETs surfaced, delivering their concept called Civilization and twelve worldly children Cipher Heralds. Nandi is the seventh prodigy of those twelve and the intended heir of the Oath of Serenity, the keeper of peace.” Beginning a query/pitch with backstory is always a bad idea.
“When her legacy, Serenity ends up in the hands of Mali, the tyrant ’bad seed’ eleven-year-old Prince of their kingdom, a troll abducts Nandi. She is taken to the fabled mystical land of Mer Wer, where a weaken Seer is hiding. She learns she is a ET prodigies and a lost Queen and that the prince is her half-brother, a sibling she didn’t know she had. Her emotions get ‘twisted’ because she has to destroy him to reclaim what is rightfully hers in order to save the world.
“Nevertheless, even if she succeeds there’s another; a dark villain who not only wants to rid the world of Serenity, but he needs Nandi’s flesh to do it, after all she is half alien, and this is unacceptable.
“NANDI AND THE SEVENTH CRYSTAL COIN is a 129,000 word epic ‘sword and sorcery’ quest that follows the twisting path of a heroic but unlikely group of friends: a peasant Queen, her two valiant cohorts and three apprentices. Like the action in the movie, Raiders of the Lost Ark, thrilling adventure lurk in every chapter.”
This one isn’t nearly as effective as the previous one. Here’s a conceptual outline of the questions a good query/pitch should answer for the reader:
1. Who is the main character?
2. What is the inciting event?
3. What is the character’s goal and the motivation for it as a result of the inciting event?
4. What/who stands in opposition to the character achieving the goal?
5. What are the character’s choices as a result of the opposition?
6. What are the consequences of making or not making the choice(s)?
You are not providing a mini-synopsis, but concentrating on the first 30-40 pages that get the story rolling with emphasis on the essential plot elements and then end it with an intriguing sentence or two that whet the reader’s appetite for more.
Is this better…
In ancient Egypt, bad luck happens to everyone… but not like it happens to thirteen-year old Nandi. Adopted, poor and living in a village where citizens shun, and kids bully her, Nandi prays for better days. If only her father, the Pharaoh would have known about her before he was murdered, she wouldn’t be in this fix. Now she has to battle his son, Prince Mali, the step-brother she did not know she had in order to reclaim what is rightfully the firstborn’s legacy, Serenity, a power legacy, the covenant of the secrets of Egypt.
Unbeknownst to Nandi, she’s ‘special’ child, an ET prodigy and lost Queen. Born with a soul that’s one of twelve called the Cipher Heralds from the Star of Sirius, she’s also a soon- to-be apprentice Seer of peace and goodwill. Being born in secrecy was not part of the ET’s plan. But somehow news traveled fast and five villains came in search, to kill her. So Nandi was hidden away under the watchful eye of a Grand sorceress of Sirius. Now its seven days before the transfer of Serenity, so Nandi’s delivered to the legendary, mystical city of Mer Wer. Once there, Nandi learns who she is and beams with elation. However, when told her path to the throne would be littered with deadly obstacles, Nandi panics. Furthermore, to reclaim her bequest she must battle and destroy Mali. Doubt floods her and suddenly being a queen with magic isn’t joyful at all.
Nevertheless, even if she succeeds there’s another foe; a diabolical extraterrestrial villain who not only wants to rid the world of Serenity, but he needs Nandi’s flesh to do it, after all she is of his blood too. Still, all is fair when you are fighting to save the world from destruction.
What I see here is familiar in the sense that I think you are struggling with the problem of identifying what’s most important to present the story effectively in a few words. And frankly, it appears to me that you are being sidetracked with extraneous details. It’s a common problem for us all, because we know our stories so well that we have a difficult time picking the essentials while discarding the rest.
One immediate standout issue for me is the inability to identify an inciting event. I tried to make this point earlier, but I’m going to do so again because it’s so important.
The opening sentence or two should establish Nandi’s ordinary world. You are hinting at it, but it’s not clear enough. Luck isn’t a good element in novels. Good luck or bad luck, it doesn’t matter. The fact that she prays for better days isn’t worth mentioning because it has no relevance to plot. Her father couldn’t have know about her after he was murdered, so there are too many words used to make the point. Don’t tell us she’s in a fix and then show us what the fix is. The word now indicates that something has happened to separate the before and the after, but we don’t know what that something is, and it crucial that we do.
Think about the opening pages of your book and ask yourself how well you are providing the setup here. You can’t provide the fact that she was adopted, then with no explanation say that she’s learned that her father was a Pharoah and she has a step-brother who wants her dead. How did she learn that? I would hope that the opening of your novel shows Nandi struggling to survive a harsh everyday existence so that readers have the opportunity to engage with her and care about what happens to her.
Then something happens to change it. The best inciting events occur because of something that Nandi does, so when her world takes a turn for the worse, it’s at least partially her fault. Now she has more problems than ever before, and your novel is about her battle to survive against overpowering odds, and she has to be really tough and resourceful and most of what she tries doesn’t work so that it gets even worse: “Put your heroine up a tree and throw rocks at her” is the saying. I don’t see that story “trigger” here, and in my opinion it has to be.
I don’t know your story, obviously, but if you show Nandi in her ordinary world and then she learns something that intrigues her, gets her curious, and although it’s dangerous to delve into it she does anyway, and her being nosy brings her to the attention of her step-brother, who how has reason to need her flesh, and your story is off and running.
I personally don’t think the pitch should address what Nandi doesn’t know. The first two sentences of the second paragraph and being told that “somehow news travels fast” simply aren’t that interesting. But if she started nosing into something and suddenly five villians show up to kill her and she has no idea why, that’s a lot more intriguing than providing the background she doesn’t know.
Why was Nandi “hidden away?” And that’s passive, so it’s happening to her rather than being the result of her resourcefulness. What’s the transfer of Serenity? Who delivers her? And that’s passive again. Learning who she is is important, beaming with elation isn’t because it has nothing to do with plot. Then she’s told about the obstacles, again being the recipient of the actions/words of others. The query/pitch should focus on your main character and what she does through her own volition.
“Nevertheless, even if she succeeds…” are wasted words. She won’t succeed (at least she shouldn’t so the tension and conflict remain high), and this needs to be presented as another problem that arrives on top of all the others.
You appear to like the explanation about her being of his blood, and the “all is fair” sentence, but they don’t work because readers have no idea what they mean. Cryptic and intriguing are not the same thing.
I think the overuse of introductory adverbs hampers the flow: however, furthermore, nevertheless, still.
Mother’s Love, the name she gave the necklace her deceased mother left for her. An old scruffy wooden coin strung on a tattered leather string wasn’t much. But to thirteen-year-old Nandi, a very poor, adopted girl, it was worth more than all the riches in the world to her. Never in her wildest dream would she have thought it was her ‘passage’ to royalty.
Living in a drought-ridden land of famine keeps Nandi scheming. She is a respectable child but a hungry child. Being bright but bullied daily by the village children, unlike most, Nandi has become not only witty to escape their wraths but good enough to partake in the dishonorable practice of stealing food and water. When she’s caught in the act in the royal place and a chase ensues causing her to fall through a vortex and meets a hideous troll. He convinces her to follow him and takes her to the legendary mythical land of Mer Wer. It is here Nandi meets a sorceress who tells her that she’s an ET prodigy, a lost Queen and that her mother’s necklace is an entity of magic. Also they tell her about how an evil villain cause the legacy of the firstborn of the Pharaoh, Serenity to bestowed to the wrong heir. Nandi realizes then that the reigning tyrant rulers, Prince Mali and his mother, Queen Yara is living her legacy. Now they have to get it back.
my last try…
Her mother was a Queen. Her father was a Pharaoh. Now both are dead and she’s an ET prodigy robbed of a powerful legacy, the oath of Serenity, the gift of peace and goodwill given to earth to build civilization.
Mother’s Love, the name she gave her deceased mother’s necklace, an old scruffy wooden coin strung on a tattered leather string that wasn’t much. But to thirteen-year-old Nandi, a poor, adopted girl, it’s worth more than all the riches in the world. Never in her wildest dream would she have thought it to be her ‘passage’ to royalty.
Living in a drought-ridden land of famine keeps Nandi scheming. She’s a respectable child but a hungry child. Being bright but bullied daily by the village children, unlike most, Nandi has become not only witty enough to escape their wrath but good enough to partake in the dishonorable practice of stealing food. When she’s caught in the act at the royal palace, a chase ensues causing her to plummet through a vortex. There she meets a hideous troll who tricks her into following him to the legendary mythical land of Mer Wer. It’s here Nandi meets a Celestial Sorceress who tells her that she’s one of the ET prodigies, a lost Queen and that her necklace bestows an entity of magic. Also they tell her about how an evil villain cause the legacy of the firstborn of the Pharaoh was given to the wrong heir, the tyrant 12-year-old Prince Mali, who astonishing is her half-brother. Now they have to get it back or the world will be doomed.
Even still if she succeeds there’s another foe; a diabolical extraterrestrial villain who not only wants to rid the world of Serenity, but he needs Nandi’s flesh to do it.
Both of these are much improved from your previous versions. But you’re making a mistake to consider them a last try. Writing a query/pitch is an iterative process that has to include letting them alone for a little bit. Read your first one, then the last, and ask yourself what the difference is. I think you should be enthused about the results, but also open to the possibility that you can do even better. For example, I noticed what I submit is a structural flaw in the last one.
Think of the pitch as being from Nandi’s POV and present the important plot points in chronological order. When your novel begins, she doesn’t know anything about her heritage and being an ET prodigy, right? If that’s true, presenting the information up front tells us before Nandi learns it. And when you tell us again later that she’s an ET prodigy, we already know that and you’ve wasted some of the few words you have in a pitch. Why not reveal the information one time and in the same sequence that Nandi learns it, which occurs in the third paragraph when the Sorceress tells her? If the fact that her mother and father were a Queen and a Pharaoh is important for readers to know in the pitch, put it here.
Once again, I’m no expert, and writing a pitch is almost as hard for me now as it was the first time I tried it. But for what it’s worth, I think you’ve come a long way, and I encourage you to keep an open mind about the possibility that tomorrow or the next day or the day after that you can make changes that will resonate with you even more.
Good luck.
Thanks.
Pitch writing is more complicated than writing the novel. To me its like making a soup. There are so many ingredients to put in a soup and from what my mother taught me its how and when you add the the items that determine how good it’ll be. I guess I now need to decide what the major events are in order for the reader to get excited and stay excited enough to want to read the manuscript.
I’ll continue because I’m searching for an agent and I need to know how to make my pitch. It crazy but I have my logline. This came easy.
Again thanks
Absolutely it is, and your soup analogy is very good, by the way. The other issue is that just because a writer can pen a good novel does not mean that h/she can create a good pitch. At its core, the pitch is advertising copy, and of all the things you can say about your novel, it has to concentrate on the story elements that best present what happens in the book, not what the story is about. It’s a crucial difference.
Read your 4th sentence. That’s exactly your goal, but with the following caveat: The query/pitch is not a mini-synopsis. You are not trying to summarize the entire story, but the first 20-40 pages (assuming that they contain something of significance to plot, and if they don’t, it’s too early to be worrying about a query/pitch). Here’s the most effective “formula” I’ve seen:
Your objective in the first sentence or two of the query is to answer two questions. Who is the main character? What is the setup or status quo beginning with the first word on page one? Forget about introducing any of the supporting cast this early in the query unless they are crucial in defining Nandi’s life on page one.
These are the most important sentences you will ever write when trying to get an agent. They have to be evocative and stir something within her about Nandi and the situation she’s in when the story begins. So what’s the most important aspect of her life that defines the setup? You have a great possibility with poor, adopted (better yet would be orphaned, living on the streets and surviving only by using her wits and instincts), shunned by contemporaries and adults alike, in a time of drought and starvation, a street urchin, if you will. She has no clue that she’s the daughter of royalty or is an ET prodigy and your reader shouldn’t know that either. I love the necklace, but you have to insert that information very precisely. Each word counts. You want to show how that necklace is the only tangible inheritance from her parents, and how her name for it relates to what Nandi has to believe about her mother. She’s gone, but she loved me and I’m holding onto that by wearing this necklace, which will help protect me from danger just like a real mother would do
Next question: What is the inciting event/plot catalyst? Something happens to Nandi early in the novel (and the earlier the better) that turns an already bad situation into something much worse. The best inciting events attack Nandi’s worst fear. I don’t know your story, but just as an example, what if Nandi has found a way to steal food from a really dangerous place, that will get her killed if they catch her? She can’t share the knowledge with the other starving kids or they will steal the food from her, or try to steal some for themselves and ruin the source for Nandi? That’s one of the reasons she’s a loner, and that causes the other kids to treat her as an outsider. She’s discovered in the act and has to run for her life, and she escapes only to end up in a worse place than she was before. This is essential, so that being back on the street would be a blessing compared to what’s just happened.
Next question: What choice or choices does Nandi face as a result of the inciting event? She’s not prepared to make the choice because learning to survive on the streets is a picnic compared to now. So she has to choose, and while the choice may solve an immediate problem, it brings with it . . .
Next question: What are the consequences of making or not making the choice? She tries something, and things take a turn for the worse, she tries to deal with it, that makes it even worse, and now you are putting Nandi up a tree and throwing rocks at her.
Your novel hopefully contains a series of “disasters” in Nandi’s future as the story progresses. You are not trying to cover them all. You are concentrating on the initial portion of the story to get the reader so interested that h/she can’t wait to learn more. Think intrigue. Don’t think cryptic. The reader has to be able to see the connections between each of the sentences in the query/pitch so you don’t end up with what I call the “huh?” factor. Do that, and the reader quits reading. You’re striving for a reaction of, “Ohmigosh. I wonder what happens next?”
Your next task is to provide a sense of the outcome, which means that the majority of the rest of your story is presented in a paragraph or two, and this is one of the most difficult tasks. How do you choose what to use to illustrate what happens? (Remember, it’s not what the story is about, which is the way a reviewer might write it.) Put yourself within Nandi’s skin and show the reader how she has to struggle.
This has to concentrate on plot, and the classic elements of scene structure: goal, motivation, stakes, choices, consequence of choices, opposition, conflict, disaster, all of which lead to a new goal, etc. You obviously can’t include all these twists and turns in a query/pitch, so you have to identify the most significant shifts in the story, the ones that in combination best present the story as a whole when you only have a few words to do it.
The reader of your pitch/query doesn’t care about a list of supporting characters. H/she wants to know about Nandi.
Question which is stronger in your opinion?
I can’t answer that because I haven’t read your book. But I can say that I think both suffer from trying to provide too much detail in the final paragraph, and that’s because you haven’t yet identified the most crucial plot twists that best present the story in a way that intrigues. There has to be a thread of logic between the sentences that bridges the gap from one to the next without trying to cover everything that might happen between them. You’re not trying to make it read like, this happens and then this happens, etc. It’s more of an encapsulation, and it represents a shift from the first portion of the query/pitch in which the number of words address the first 20-40 pages of the book and the last portion has to cover all the rest of it. It ain’t easy, but it’s so cool when you can finally read it and know that you succeeded.
can you help me write this better? It doesn’t flow right. I’m trying to say where she lives and being bullied has made her a smart instead of submissive.
Living in a drought-ridden land of famine keeps Nandi scheming. She’s a bright, respectable child but a hungry child. And unlike most, the daily bullying of the village has made Nandi a witty survivor and cunning enough to partake in the dishonorable practice of stealing food.
Essence: drought, famine, starvation, survival. Scheming tells me nothing, it’s too general. I don’t care if she’s bright and respectable, and of course ehs’s hungry in a land of famine, and you’re telling me that rather than let Nandi show me. You don’t have to tell me that she’s unlike most, because she’s the main character and I want to see that, not be told. I don’t care if she’s witty. That has nothing to do with surviving. …partake in the dishonorable practice of stealing food is not the way she thinks of it. She’s forced into doing what she has to do, and she isn’t going to stop and consider the ethics. A village can’t bully anyone. This isn’t about playground bullies, but a life-and-death struggle. Nandi’s not the strongest, so she has to be the smartest and live by her wits (not wittiness).
I might write it like this:
The struggle for daily survival in a drought-ridden, famished land forces Nandi to steal food while avoiding hordes of older, stronger bullies of the street. Her wits, cunning, and ability to move like a cat in the shadows are all that stand between her and starvation.
Structural flaw? Where?
Is it the flow from the part that states where she lives to being bullied that causes her to become witty? Or is it the usage of the words ‘and unlike most”?
I’m not referring to the sentence level, but the whole query/pitch. Don’t begin it with a paragraph written by you, the author, telling the reader something that Nandi doesn’t know until way later in the book. Put yourself in Nandi’s skin with the first word, so readers enter her world. I think you can write the part about the necklace better, but the idea that Nandi has only one physical remembrance of her mother in the form of a necklace made from a tattered length of leather or string and a scruffy, chipped wood coin, and that she has named it Mother’s Love as a symbol of the protection a mother signifies to a child, and the idea that she wears it as a talisman and believes in its power, is an evocative way to begin the query.
Do not, however, tell us there that she doesn’t know the real power of the necklace. That’s you telling us. If you’re going to reveal that to the reader, do so only at the point in the query/pitch that corresponds sequentially with when Nandi learns it. And without knowing any more about your story, I suggest that you should not reveal it. A powerful, evocative, and intriguing end to the query/pitch in my opinion would be something like this, suitably revised to flow from the sentence prior to it:
Only then does Nandi realize the true power of a Mother’s Love.
WOW! You are so encouraging! Thanks for this. I feel like I’m learning, becoming better at the craft of being an author. this is my dream. I’m so addicted to storytelling I write everyday even during work. I even purchased a phone with a recorder and a place I can make notes, do rewrites, edit, etc.
I will get back to you later after I apply what you’ve instructed to do.
I wish you did editing for a fee.
Again Thanks!
I believe this is close…
Her mother was a Queen. Her father was a Pharaoh. (this is important and used this part to show era.) Now both are dead and unknown by thirteen-year-old Nandi still living without them is heartbreak. Adopted, Nandi’s has always been poorer than a scavenger. Now drought, famine, and starvation have become her life. The struggle for daily survival teaches her to live by her wits so she steals food. Regrettably, stealing from the palace carries the penalty of death and like all criminals; sooner or later they get discovered and so does Nandi. A chase ensues and she runs for her life until she saved by a tumble through a sandcaves’ vortex. Now, she’s face-to-face with a hideous troll who deceives her, taking her to the legendary mythical land of Mer Wer; a place where people never return.
I have to disagree for many reasons. The first two sentences are telling, use the inactive, past tense verb “was,” offer the reader information that Nandi doesn’t know, and if you need to inform readers of the era, show it within a pitch without sticking it up front like a label. In addition, and I haven’t mentioned this before because we’ve been talking structure and content, but you have more than one grammatically incorrect sentence. That will kill a pitch. You can get away with a sentence fragment or two in a total of 300 words when carefully used for artistic license, but these aren’t examples of that.
Let me emphasize again that I’m not an expert, but here is the way I would start out with writing your pitch based on what I know of your novel from the pitches I’ve seen. My sample isn’t about the specifics so much, because I don’t know them, but structure and flow. I encourage you to read it carefully and see if anything in it resonates with you about how the presentation of the information is structured. Try to use active verbs, avoid past tense unless absolutely necessary, vary sentence structure, don’t repeat words in close proximity you don’t have to, and eliminate all grammatical errors before you submit it. Here’s my idea:
In the drought-ridden famine of ancient Egypt, 13-year-old Nandi, dirt-poor, orphaned, and alone, must rely on her wits and cunning in the daily struggle to survive. Stealing food without being caught is her only choice. To fail is to die either of starvation or at the hands of royal executioners for being a thief.
Around her neck she wears a scruffy wooden coin on a tattered leather string, her mother’s necklace and her only possession save the clothes on her back. Worthless by any other standard, to Nandi it is more precious than gold. Years ago she named the necklace Mother’s Love and believes it bestows upon her protection from the horrors of the world.
The royal palace, a favorite target of her foraging, turns near-deadly when she’s discovered in the act. She flees for her life and stumbles into the vortex of a hideous troll, who guides her to the legendary mythical land of Mer Wer. There she meets a Celestial Sorceress with a tale to tell, that Nandi is one of the ET prodigies and a lost Queen. Her legacy as the firstborn of the Pharoah, the oath of Serenity, a gift of peace and goodwill given to earth to build civilization, was stolen and granted to her half-brother, the tyrant Prince Mali. Left in his hands, the world is doomed.
Nandi vows to reclaim her birthright and soon discovers that even success is fraught with danger. She must face a diabolical extraterrestrial who not only wants to rid the world of Serenity, but needs Nandi’s flesh to do it.
Only then does she realize the true power of Mother’s Love.
I love this! And for someone who does know the story this IS the story.
Question… can you email me direct? I have a question.
Tell me this does a Title play a major royal in the sale of a book?
Please stop saying you are NOT and expert. You have taught me more than you will ever know. I live to learn all there is about creating stories for children with a hope to foster an interest in reading as well as investigating. My motto is ‘Without books you cannot play.’
At the moment I am building a website as well. I’m too broke to afford one.
I plan to build a relationship with you to increase my skills in storytelling because I still have so many questions!